I know what is wrong with me.

I need to feel the need to be needed by my friends.

There lies the problem.

I’ve realized that growing up, I have a tendency to be a busybody with no hesitation. I literally feel the need to know everything and anything about anyone and anything. It was what motivates me to go to school. Pretending that I really care about people, just so that they would pour their hearts out to me. Letting them cry on my shoulders, comforting them, being there for them in their time of needs. Just knowing, listening and trying to fix their problems makes me happy in some weird way. As if I wanted to pretend that my life is so desperately perfect and the subconscious knowledge that other people’s lives do suck. I really do know a whole load of secrets and I can honestly say that only a selected few know my secrets.

I realized that I only tell people what I want them to know. Nothing more, nothing less. Whenever I accidentally blurt out certain things, it’s because I really want them to know. I just acted as if it was pure accidental. I always like to say that I am an open book but I came to the conclusion that I’m not an open book at all. I’m more of a laptop with tons of encryption that I, myself could barely decrypt. I am very guarded about everything that I do that I always plan what to say, what to do, how to react and all that jazz. Honestly speaking, what the fuck is really going on in my brain to think of all this facade?

Truth be told, I caused this state of depression/paranoia & delusions upon myself.




I made the decision not to be the so-called "mother" of the Dolls anymore. I made the decision not to be a busybody in their life anymore. I made the decision to trust them to know what they are doing with their life. I made the decision that they are old enough to know what exactly they are doing. I made the decision to wash my hands of their problems. It was all my own doings.

It has fucked up repercussions.

Q – I literally have no clue what exactly is going on with her. Every time that I checked her tweets, it always seems that it’s either she’s sleeping over at Syima’s place or outside and going back the next day. I’m not even sure about how her job search is going on. Just wish her the best of luck.

Nazron – He would always update me on a weekly basis and I still know a whole load of shits about him that I can used to blackmail him if I want to.

Azieera – She’s the only person that every time I meet up with, I just need to hear her laughter. She’s like my stupid crazy laughing girl that I have no clue what’s going on with her personal life.

Syima – She is the exact psychotic girl version of me. I don’t know what is she doing but one thing I do know is that it terms of craziness as in not funny, hilarious crazy but more of a deadly crazy, she’s on par with me.

Khairul – I don’t even know how is he doing at all. All I know is that he has become a full-blown gay boy and he doesn’t need my help anymore. I’m not sure if I should be proud of it or…

Netty – I don’t really know how is she doing in terms of her working life but I do know that she is coping well with her school life and with Randy.

Randy – I know that he is trying his best to be as responsible as possible and at times, I don’t respect him at all but at times, I honestly respect him for respecting me. His actions is very subtle but the meaning behind it, really means a lot to me.

Ayiz, Alif, Fairul & Zarrin – I have no clue at all.

Azman – I’m at the stage of shutting down and can’t be bothered anymore.

So literally, from somebody who knows all their shits and constantly trying to fix them and gets emotional about it. I’m someone who don’t even know what is going on with their life. I’m only there for the happy times since I was the one who asked for it. I guess my new year resolution is partially becoming true.

I’m no longer trying to fix them anymore. I’m trying to fix me and so far, it’s not really working that well.

PS: congrats, i guess...

So Aron is back in Singapore since Monday night.

We have been having breakfast, lunch and dinner

His flying off to Bristol, England, this Friday night.

So where does that leave me?

I'm already at the stage of paranoia/depression.

Everything seems to tick me off.

Family, friends & colleagues.

He makes me smile when we're together.

When he's gone, everything seems lost.

I don't want to feel anymore. I've been crying almost every night for the past two weeks. Something is not right with me and I don't know what it is. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm lost. Everything is just not right.

PS: don't ask, won't tell...

See that fake smile below.




That's how it is going to be every time I am around you and that girlfriend of yours.


Let me just clarify certain things first.
a) I don't like your girlfriend.
b) I have no intention on being friends with your girlfriend.
c) I will only be fake friends with your girlfriend out of respect for you.

Don't get me wrong, I got no major issues with your girlfriend. It just so happen that your girlfriend accidentally step on the wrong foot. Even though she apologize for stepping on my foot, I'm just very cautious towards her attitude. Ever heard the saying "A leopard never changes its spots". I'm strictly sticking to that saying. I'm not even going to be bothered giving her a second chance at all.

As a friend, I'm just going to respect your decision to be with her. I'm not going to be supportive nor would I be the one to mind-fuck you into breaking up with her. I'm just going to be neutral about it. I'm just going to PRETEND to like her for your sake. You are old enough to know what's good for you.

To be on the safe side, if you are bringing that girlfriend of yours along, why don't you just count me out. I'm just making things easier for you. I'm not asking you to pick sides. I'm asking you to pick your girlfriend over me. I'm used to my friends ditching me for their so-called love ones and when things don't work out, they'll come running back.

Like I said, I'm just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not your best friend. I'm not your close friend. I'm just someone that you hang around with.

Let me just apologize to you. I'm sorry that I'm not able to like that girlfriend of yours. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I'm sorry that things had to be this way. I'm sorry for being a pain in your butt.

I'm just being honest. I hope we are cool.

PS: no longer the same...