Last day...

Happy 2017...

I'm just going to try, keep on trying. I have no idea what I was planning to write. Countless thoughts are running through my head right now. One moment I feel overwhelmed & the next moment, I feel the need to cry my eyes out. After that, I feel pieces of my soul are chipping away. Several seconds later, I could feel myself struggling trying to come to terms with my reality. 

• Trying to grasp the concept of me being 30-years-old. 
• Trying to figure out the reality of me stuck in a job that does nothing for my soul. 
• Trying to come to terms that my plans went haywire. 
• Trying to accept the fact that the ambitious 24-year-old me is slowly fading into oblivion. 
• Trying to understand how did I end up here instead of being where I had planned to be.
• Trying to comprehend if I really have depression or am I making things up in my head.
• Trying to take in the fact that I am feeling too many things at once & have no idea how to stop it.
• Trying to absorb the logic that the dynamics around me are changing.
• Trying to acknowledge that certain things are actually coming to existence.
• Trying to decipher why I had only 1 job interview after applying for over 200 events-related jobs.
• Trying to fathom if my resume is really that bad & if I am just not cut out for events.
• Trying to wrap my head around my constant need to run away from reality.
• Trying to work out my need to constantly question everything about myself.
• Trying to make sense of everything that is going on without losing my sanity.

What happened to me?

Astaghfirullahal adzim alladzi la ilaha illa huwal hayyul qayyum wa atubu ilaih.

Happy 2017...

Birthday...

So my birthday came & went.

My colleagues threw me a mini-birthday surprise at the office. I had my suspicions about it. Pretended to be surprise by it but off course I hated it. I have always hated birthday surprises. It took everything in me not to just walked out of the office. Thank God, I had a job interview at a job agency around 4pm, so had to leave the office by 2pm. Pretended to enjoy myself before I left the office.

The job interview went surprisingly quite well even though it has been more than a year since I went for any job interview. I'm hoping that I will get the job though. Oddly enough, the way the interviewer was explaining the job was very brief & vague. But I did explained my experiences rather well, I think. All I can do is hope for the best. In Shaa' Allah, I will get a full time events-related job soon.

After the interview, I went to watch 'Rogue One: A Star Wars Story." It was perfect in every way. The cinematography was beautiful. The sceneries were so beautifully done, things that you can only imagine of. The acting was excellent. It was a genius move of the writers to put a female character as the lead. It was fresh, intriguing & gorgeously done. I actually cried & had goosebumps by how perfect the movie really is. I honestly would love to watch it again.

On Friday, I had a so-called birthday dinner with my family at Gurame Restaurant at East Coast. The food there was quite delicious but it just wasn't my cup of tea I guess. There was just something off about it, other than the fact that I was having a headache. The beef rendang was very soft & chewy, while the thick curry fish gravy was really nice & spicy. That was the only 2 dishes that I liked.

The cousins, siblings & close friends threw a surprise birthday picnic for me at the void deck. It was really beautifully done. It was simple & pretty, very instagram & pinterest worthy. As much as I'm grateful at them for surprising me, it just annoys me so much that they don't understand the concept of me completely hating surprises. I hate surprises. Always have, always will, no amount of surprises in the future will ever make me like surprises. It just gets annoying every time I have to fake it that I like the surprise. I'm grateful for it but I don't like it. It is so annoying because the surprise would end up with what they think I want instead of what I really want which is to have no surprises at all.

Other than that. It was a good celebration. A nice & quiet celebration which I am grateful for.