At times, I honestly hate my instinct. Like I know throughout my life, whenever I feel good or confident about something, there's that 20 percent nagging feeling at the back of my head, just expecting something to go wrong. And it annoys me that I will suppress that feeling, just so for me to be hopeful even though I know fully well that it will not go the way I'm hoping. That hopeful feeling that gives me the courage that maybe this time might be different.
Truth be told, I thought I got the job and this time round, that nagging thoughts didn't annoyed me that much, thus I was so sure about it. Alas, it's not meant to be. I didn't get the job. I didn't expect myself to get triggered by the rejection. So now, I'm trying to convinced myself that it's alright. Just trying to straighten out my thoughts and focus on the positives of my current job and maybe the silver lining on why I didn't get this job.
And it irks me that I wasn't sure about my feelings to wanting this job. After the final interview, while waiting for the results, I was constantly thinking that if I get the job, that will be great and if I didn't get the job, that is okay. Now, I'm disappointed that I didn't get the job and all sorts of reasons are running through my head as to why I didn't get the job offer.
I will be fine but I just feel the need to wallow in self-pity first. And might do something stupid just to make myself feel alive or something.
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So it's 1 good news and 1 bad news.
- Good news - 0.3 for my mid-year bonus.
- Bad news - Didn't get the new job.
- Pending news - my BTO results got pushed to August due to the new system.
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Maybe it's a sign for me to continue traveling. I will be going to Ho Chi Minh City, then Phnom Penh, then Bangkok and lastly, Kuala Lumpur in September. Followed by Bali for my solo birthday trip. I just need to put myself first, focus on myself, my needs and my happiness. I paid for all my activities, hotels and I even splurged on Shiseido products for myself on impulsed. I had no idea what i was thinking but I better look pretty for my friend's September wedding and before I fly off for my solo trip.
In Shaa' Allah, everything will be fine.
