Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Comtemplating

All of a sudden, I'm torn.
At the end of the day, I know that I need to save money.
I need to save $30,000.
And take a leap of faith.

Either
I take a Master of Art in Museum Studies & Curatorial Practices
or
Buy a house & use the money for renovations

Now, I'm not sure what to do.

Originally, I wanted to do a 2-year part-time Masters program at NTU. I mean, from there, I could figure out how to work overseas. I would love to work at one of the museums in Europe. Yes, it would take time to achieve this goal but I think I can do it. Strike it off my bucket list - to work overseas, in Europe once before coming back to Singapore. I don't think I can migrate just yet. I mean, the thought to migrate is there but I would rather work overseas first to see how it feels like before I make further plans to migrate.

Then, there's another thought of wanting to buy a house, preferably a 2-bedded apartment. Then get it renovated and shift out of my parents' house. But that's it. That's the extent of my plan when it comes to buying a house.

Out of the blue, I became torn between the two options. I would rather not have a third option, which I know would only make me more fickle-minded. That's the thing that annoys me right now, I'm not sure why I am torn between my decision. I just need to start saving first and figure it out along the way.

In Shaa' Allah, he will guide me to the correct decision.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Birthday Presents

I guess this year I really went all out for myself.
It feels good to be debt-free.


4 books - $163.82
3 Trench Coats from Lazada - $68.56
2 ZARA Long Sleeve Shirts - $119.80
1 ZARA Sweater - $59.90
1 ZARA Cropped Pants - $59.90
1 ZARA Chino Pants - $99.90
1 Dr. Martens Leather Backpack - $449.10
1 Pair of Pedro Shoes - $99.90
Mischief - $224.81

Total - $1,345.69

Didn't expect myself to go crazy.
Oh well, it was worth.

Time to save up for my next solo trip.
In Shaa' Allah, I will get to go to Italy for 10 days.

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Just shifted

Just shifted into the new house.
Finally.

4 months later.
There are still some things left at the rented place.
But we should be able to move everything by tomorrow.
Latest by Monday or Tuesday.
I guess...

From F1, to Paris, to shifting house.

I'm physically tired.
I need a full proper body massage.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Paris

Paris, France
20th - 28th September 2018

20th September 2018, Thursday
Charles de Gaulle Airport
Gare de l'Est Metro
Rue du Terrage

21st September 2018, Friday
Garden of the Plants
Natural History Museum
Gallery of Paleontology & Comparative Anatomy
Grand Mosque of Paris
Shakespeare & Company
59 Rivoli
The Atelier des Lumieres

22nd September 2018, Saturday
Place de la Concorde
Palace of Versailles
Pont Alexandre III
Eiffel Tower
The Tuileries Garden
Ponts des Arts

23rd September 2018, Sunday
Musée de l'Orangerie
Archeological Crypt of the ile de la Cité
Notre-Dame Cathedral

24th September 2018, Monday
Saint Lazare
La Garenne-Colombes, Sculpture Class
Pont de Bir-Hakeim

25th September 2018, Tuesday
Pére Lachaise Cemetery
National Library of France
Pantheon
Luxembourg Gardens

26th September 2018, Wednesday
The Lourve Museum
Paris College of Art

27th September 2018, Thursday
The Basilica of Sacred Heart of Paris
Wall of Love
Moulin Rouge
Grand Palais
Centre Georges Pompidou

28th September 2018, Friday
Gare du Nord Metro
Charles de Gaulle Airport

Paris was magical. It was more than I could ever wish for. Being alone in a foreign country.

Saturday, September 01, 2018

Nervous

Paris Expenses

Flights (Emirates) - $1,004.20
Accommodation (Airbnb) - $888.57
Art Class - $123.21
Versailles Private Tour - $180.71
Travel Insurance - $62.75
Louvre - $30.83
Atelier des Lumiéres - $23.53
SIM Card - $30
Miscellaneous - $350

Expenses - $1,368.50 (€850)
Extra Cash - $300

Total - $4,362.30



Finally, all my expenses are settled for the trip. Less than 3 more weeks to my first ever solo trip. I'm nervous, very much nervous rather than excited. I can feel myself getting more and more restless as the trip is approaching. I am trying to get excited about it but my nerves are really getting the better of me.



In Shaa' Allah, my first solo trip will go smoothly.

Saturday, August 04, 2018

Just friends

When I was younger, in my late teenage years going into my early twenties, I've always believed that my group of friends and I were cursed. As in, we were so closed that I know for a fact that our friendships pretty much scares the partners that we were dating. And now, over the years, the friendships are no longer as strong as it used to be. All of us drifted away. We developed new friendships with others. 

My closest friends are my cousin, Nazron, his best friend, Azieera and an ex fag-hag, Netty. Azieera is married with 2 kids now. My cousin, Nazron is engaged to Netty since last December. Ever since then, I have been keeping myself busy. And now, I'm in contact with 7 different people from all walks of life but the one thing that they do have in common is that they are intelligent people that can hold a good conversation.
  • British, 34, Senior IT Engineer, 12 years
  • Australian, 68, Director of an Architecture Firm, 19 years
  • French-British, 41, APAC Marketing Manager, Single
  • British, 40, Cardiologist, Single
  • French, 41, Operations Manager, 5 years
  • Australian-British, 48, Lecturer, 9 years
  • African-American, 33, Shipping Engineer, Single
Just keeping my options open.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Moving Forward

Study Loans
CPF Loan: $2,200
Mendaki Loan: $4,900
Maybank Loan: $10,100

Total: $17,200

Finally finished paying off all of my study loan. Both my diploma & degree loans. Syukur Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed, grateful & proud of myself that I was able to do it.


Paris Trip
Emirates Flight Ticket: $1,004.20
Airbnb: $888.57
Insurance: $62.75
Versailles Tour: $180.71
Art Class: $123.21

Total: $2,259.44

Preparing for my Paris trip in September. Planning to bring at least $2,000 for my expenses, not really for shopping but more for my meals, transports & exploring the locations & museums. In Shaa' Allah, everything will work out smoothly.


French Language Classes
Beginner Level 1: $345

Remaining classes
Beginner Level 2: $290
Beginner Level 3: $290
Intermediate Level 1: $345
Intermediate Level 2: $290
Intermediate Level 3: $290
Advanced Level 1: $345
Advanced Level 2: $290
Advanced Level 3: $290

Total: $2,430

Started learning french to prepare myself for my Paris trip since I will be going there alone. After the 5th lesson, I realized that I wouldn't mind completing the entire session. I mean it I have always wanted to learn french, so why not be fluent in it as well. In Shaa' Allah.

In Shaa' Allah, I will start taking Yoga classes once I'm back from my trip. And In Shaa' Allah, I will start my driving classes as well. I need to constantly move forward in life & keep progressing & improving myself. I need to set goals & achieve them. One step at a time. In Shaa' Allah, everything will be fine.


Thursday, April 26, 2018

Avengers: Infinity War



The movie opened with death and destruction, signalling the serious tone of this movie, of how this is the end for the heroes. It was a sight to see The Black Order waiting patiently for Thanos's orders, seeing them at his beck and call just like in the comics. The fight between Thanos and Hulk was far too quick, seeing how comic book Hulk is so much stronger than MCU Hulk, was a tad annoying, but still the fight was totally worth it. And just like that, Heimdall and Loki were killed by Thanos. And just like that, you realized the seriousness of this movie and how no one was spared at all. I was saddened and annoyed that Loki got killed quickly 20 minutes into the movie.

The fight scene between Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian versus Dr. Strange, Iron Man, Spider-Man and Wong was magically beautiful. Seeing the brute strength of Cull Obsidian against the mechanics of Iron Man's suit and Spider-Man's agility, was entertaining and a delight - I mean, it was the mentor and his mentee in a tag-team match against the strongest member of The Black Order. But one of my favourite scene has to be seeing Ebony Maw's telekinesis powers coming to life unlike any other movies that I had ever seen before. The easiness of his powers was on a different level compared to seeing Jean Grey's powers in the X-Men universe. Cull Obsidian might physically be the strongest member of The Black Order but Ebony Maw is easily the most powerful among children of Thanos.

Spider-Man's suit and Iron-Man's suit, it's on another completely different level! It is exactly like in the comic books, the CGI was able to replicate from the comic books beautifully. I had goosebumps watching their suits in actions.

Then there was the fight between Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive versus Scarlet Witch and Vision. Oh My God! Scarlet Witch has grown leaps and bounds in so many ways and is easily the most powerful member of the Avengers, excluding Dr. Strange. Seeing her wielding her powers, blasting off the villains and flying around in the air was freaking awesome. To see Vision being the vulnerable one, this time round, was quite interesting. He is easily one of the most powerful member around but watching Corvus Glaive fucking him up, makes you realized that The Black Order was not a team to be messed around with.

When Captain America, Black Widow and Falcon joined in the fight, it was really a tad boring. They took the villains by surprised and overpowered them easily, which seems rather like a throwaway for me. But when Captain America came into the scene, I could physically feel myself getting pregnant and having orgasm at the same time. He is so fucking perfect in that uniform, that body, that beard and that messy push-back long hair. 

The interaction between Thor and the Guardians of the Galaxy was everything I could hope for. It was hilarious and adorable but at the same time, the underlying tone of death is coming is still there without making it too depressing.

The scene when Thor needed to get a new hammer, with Groot and Rocket tagging along with him and Peter Dinklage as dwarf. We do get a bit of back-story as to how Mjolnir and the Infinity Gauntlet were created but other than that, it was as awesome as the rest of the scenes so far. It helps to slow it down and shows how Thor is willing to do anything to avenge Asgard and protect Earth.

Star-Lord, Gamora, Drax and Mantis went to Knowhere to get the Reality Stone first but Thanos was already there and he used it to manipulate them. The scene where Gamora managed to killed her stepfather, Thanos and cried for his death, that was a great scene and plot to it. It made me think that here we have the most dangerous woman in the galaxy who has been telling everyone that she hates her stepfather but when he did died in the fake reality, she wept for him. It just shows that a part of her did really love him even after the hell that he brought down on her.

Then when it was Thanos and Gamora trying to retrieve the Soul Stone and he has to sacrifice someone he loves to get to it. It was really unexpected that he sacrificed his stepdaughter and cried for her death. It was an interesting and complex dynamics between the two of them that I honestly felt was a good plot twist to the movie. I feel that finally, MCU was able to make a complicated and a three-dimensional villain that was not just straight up evil but has a complex reason for his actions.

First, it was Heimdall, then it was Loki and followed by Gamora's death. These are all unexpected deaths that I really did not even suspect at all.

The two finale fighting scenes.

Dr. Strange, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Star-Lord, Drax, Mantis and Nebula versus Thanos on planet Titan. I had freaking goosebumps seeing them fighting together just like in the comics. It was beautiful seeing Dr. Strange opening and closing portals for his team to attack and disappear. Seeing Iron Man using his suit, constantly changing to show all of its new tricks. And Spider-Man in his new suit, exactly like in the comics with the additional extended 'spider legs'. It was glorious! But the scene where Dr. Strange decided to surrendered the Time Stone to Thanos so that Iron-Man would survive and the scene where Star-Lord found out that Thanos had killed Gamora were heartbreaking. 

Back on Earth, it was Steve Rogers, Falcon, White Wolf, Black Widow, Hulkbuster, War Machine, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Black Panther, Shuri, Okoye and the Wakandan Forces versus Cull Obsidian, Proxima Midnight, Corvus Glaive and the Outriders aliens. Oh My God! It was awesome and beautiful to see the battle. Everyone was giving their all. Okoye and Black Widow fighting against Proxima Midnight. Steve Rogers and Vision fighting against Corvus Glaive. Bruce Banner in Hulkbuster fighting against Cull Obsidian. And seeing Scarlet Witch releasing her unleashing her powers. And Thor came back to Earth with Rocket and Groot and turned the tide against their enemies. Each individual fight was choreographed well and as a whole, it was quite gorgeous seeing the battle from far.

And the part where Scarlet Witch had to kill Vision to prevent Thanos from taking the Mind Stone was overwhelmingly sad. Knowing that she has to be the one to kill her love to save trillions of lives all across the universe. And as soon as she did the deed, Thanos was easily able to use the Time Stone to reserve time and kill Vision to take the Mind Stone. Just like that, Thanos has all 6 Infinity Stones. Finally, when you feel that there's no hope and all, Thor came through and stabbed Thanos in the chest, injuring him pretty badly.

As fast as the feeling of hopefulness came, the feeling of despair came just as fast.

Thanos snapped his fingers and everything change.

The last scene where at least half of the superheroes died was fucking heartbreaking. I mean, you started to expect certain people to die but they just kept killing the good guys that you are left with less than half and no hope at all. They fucking kill Star-Lord, Drax, Mantis, Dr. Strange and Spider-Man, leaving behind Iron-Man and Nebula on Titan. And on Earth, they killed Falcon, White Wolf, Scarlet Witch, Black Panther and Groot.

It was only after the movie that I realized that kept the original Avengers alive - Steve Rogers, Iron-Man, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow and Hawkeye (somewhere in the world).

And as usual for all MCU movies, the post-credit scene is always worth it. Even though, they killed Maria Hill and Nick Fury, the part where they showed that Fury sends out the distress call to Captain Marvel is exciting.

The part that really bothers me is during the press interviews for the movie, several of the actors and directors kept bringing up about a scene where all the superheroes and villains were together fighting it out. But during this movie, the superheroes was split into 2 groups fighting on 2 different planets. The differences between Captain America and Iron-Man were never properly addressed. So I'm really hoping that Avengers 4 will have a scene where all of them, including Captain Marvel, Hawkeye and Ant-Man and hopefully Wasp, are together - be it to fight against Thanos or even to celebrate their victory.

Looking forward to Avengers 4.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Stupid

I feel stupid.

If there is one thing that I strongly dislike is the feeling of being stupid. Once I feel stupid, I will start going down a slippery slope of feeling helplessness and a strong inclination to do something that I will regret.

So I have been in contact with you for the past couple of months. Every thing was going on fine. We were getting to know each other, texting on a regular basis. 

We were supposed to meet up for dinner but you got called up for a business trip. We had to reschedule. Then a couple of weeks later when you were back from the trip, we decided to meet up for fun but I had to fall sick. We had to reschedule again. The following week, we decided to meet up for fun again but you had to fall sick. We had to reschedule again.

Then this week, you randomly brought up if I was up for a threesome. 

And it just feels fuck-up that you decided to make the decision for me by making it seem that I should be down for a threesome or we just reschedule again. And that just makes me feel stupid, we have been contacting each other for several weeks and I thought that we had a connection but it's obvious that you're only interested for a quick fuck.

It makes me feel stupid for having slight feelings for you.

I don't like feeling stupid.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Bugging Me

One of my close friends from Thailand, came over to Singapore for the weekend. We decided to meet up since it has been so long since I last caught up with her. I mean, we only leave comments on each other's Facebook pages or will randomly text each other once in a blue moon.

Anyway, something that she said had got me thinking for the past few days.

We were updating each other about our jobs. Then I was telling her how I think that I am fated to be a PA for life and contemplating if I should be a certified PA.

Because in my head, I sort of pondered over another friend's advice. He was telling me that since I'm good at being a PA, I should switch to a private international company and be a PA for one of the higher management. Then from there, if I do a really good job and am loyal, and lets say if the director gets a job overseas, there's a good chance of the director bringing me along. That's kind of my fall-back plan.

I mean let's be realistic here. It's damn hard to get a full-time job in the events industry if you don't understand or speak Chinese.

So anyway, she got annoyed that I am still stuck at not doing what I love to do. She was going on and on about how I know how to take charge of a situation and am able to perform under pressure. She said that everybody has a choice to make. It's either you accept where you are or you continued fighting for what you love to do.

It kind of got stuck in my head for the past few days. It feels weird to hear someone telling me that I have given up. I mean, I know that I have given up doing events full-time that's why I'm only doing it once in awhile just to keep my brain alive. But to hear someone saying it to my face, I feel as if I am really sacrificing my interest for the long run. I mean, I know that I am, it's because I want to survive in Singapore but honestly speaking, in the long run, I do know I want to do events.

I don't know, it's just bugging me.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Feelings

I can't. I got to stop subconsciously sabotaging myself.

Logically speaking, I know nothing will happen between the 2 of us. You have been in a relationship with your boyfriend for more than 3 years. You have been staying with him for almost 2 years. I could tell that you do get excited talking about him. I could see that your relationship have reached those status of a married couple, where you just know how your partner behaves and are in sync with them. I am happy for you.

But...

At the back of my mind, I'm get excited when you texted me to meet up. We only had lunch together for like 5 times and it feels so easy talking to you. At every time I see you, it just put a smile on my face. The way you smile puts a smile on my face. The way you just be your weird self puts a smile on my face. The way you will always raise your right eyebrow puts a smile on my face. I am so annoyed that I'm crushing on you real hard. 

And I honestly can't believe that I actually compared you to SF. SF was like a more than a decade ago. You are the first person that I compared to SF that ended with me being happy with the results. I mean, I have been comparing anybody that I have had dated to SF since forever. And all of them will never measured up to SF but in some weird way, you do measured up to him.

I am trying my best to suppress my feelings for you. I am forcing myself to think that it's just a passing thing but I have a strong feeling that it won't go away for a long time. And I really don't want to fuck up our friendship. It's already really hard for me to make new friends. 

I hate how I get excited to meet up with you and the moment we parted, I fucking hate myself for crushing on you real bad. It makes me feel fucking stupid for not being able to be in control of my feelings towards you when I know nothing will ever happen between us. 

Now I'm stuck in this loop.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Crush

Honestly speaking, I did not expect anything to happen at all.

We have bumped into each other several times over the past decade. We exchange contact numbers and kept saying that we should meet up for lunch or dinner. We both know we said those things out of courtesy and not expect to follow through.

The first time I saw you was back when we were in ITE. Both of us were just 17 years old. I was that weird kid that nobody was sure if I was gay or was just a weird loser. You were a typical bad boy with your horrible hairdo. I had a crush on you back in ITE. Then during NS, we ended up being in the same platoon and became bunk mates. After BMT, we went our separate ways.

4 years later, I bumped into you. I just started studying in NAFA while you were doing your degree in LaSalle. We added each other up on Facebook and Instagram and exchange numbers. Then I saw you a couple more times over the next few years.

Last Tuesday, I saw you from afar and actually contemplated of avoiding you but since it was the only way for me to get to the MRT station, I just walk right ahead. Surprisingly, you stopped me to say hi. We talked for awhile, asking those typical questions of wondering how each of us are doing. We exchange numbers again and apparently, both of us still have each other's numbers. We decided to have lunch soon since we are working in the same area. We went our separate ways after that and I was smiling the whole night.

My crush for you came back in full force. I did not see that coming at all. I forgot how hilariously awkward and ridiculously good-looking you are.

Then today, you texted me at 12pm, asking to meet up for lunch. It put a huge smile on my face. I could feel my crush for you growing bigger. I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself down because I know how stupid it was. Like I know that nothing will ever happened between the 2 of us but the thought of being friends with you after so long, excites me. Honestly, I thought that it was going to be awkward to have a conversation but there was a sense of easiness to our conversations. Everything just flows.

Then you told me that you are gay. I was shocked because I did not see that coming. Then you said that you have been with your boyfriend for 3 years. I'm impressed and happy for you. Then you said that you have been living together with him for 2 years. I was jealous.

Out of all the emotions that came out, I was surprised that I was jealous of you.

Anyway, it was nice knowing that another NS buddy of mine is gay. I mean, the entire Leopard company knows that I'm gay but nobody brought it up. So I always felt like an outsider among a sea of straight men. And I don't really have that many gay friends who are not into the 'scene' - whatever the fuck does that even mean. You're just gay and you're minding your own business. That's cool. And after that, conversations flowed as normal, just 2 old friends catching up on life, about the arts scene and about my non-existence dating life. It was nice.

After you left, my mind went haywire, asking myself why did I feel jealous of you? And it dawned upon me that I wanted what you have. A stable relationship with a white man, living together, being all domesticated and having separate careers. It made me realized that I've been wanting what you have since forever. In that moment, my crush for you shrank drastically.

I want that. I want someone to call my own. I want an intelligent, charming and mature white man to call my own. I want to someone to love me. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to have stupid discussions about politics and imaginations. I want someone to listen to. I want someone to need me the way that I need them.

But everything came crashing down when I started to think of how wrong it will be when my religion comes into question.

I want to be a Muslim and I want to be gay.

I'm so confused that I broke down again. It's only February and I have broke down twice.

It gets tiring to be constantly feeling lost and confused.

Monday, February 05, 2018

Dialogue

I was invited back to NAFA for an Alumni Dialogue session to share our experiences in NAFA and after graduation.

I have to say that it was nice to be able to tell future NAFA graduates about the cold hard facts of trying to get a job after graduation. When I was in NAFA, I felt so green and enthusiastic about getting a job in the Arts industry, pursuing my dream job. Nobody told me about the craziness of trying to get a job. The emotional turmoil behind just applying for any job that is not even related to your area of speciality. It was as if, everybody was being positive and encouraging about pursuing your dream job.

I honestly felt that the dialogue did help the future graduates to be realistic about today's job market. Just because you have a diploma or a degree, it doesn't secure you a job at all. We had a healthy discussion about being happy and being at the correct state of mind because at the end of the day, as much as you need money to survive, you still need be mentally happy to live your life. It was interesting to see the rest of the invited Alumni, agreeing that their happiness is much more important rather than getting a high-paying job that stresses you out daily.

It was an honest discussion about how our time in NAFA prepares for us in the working world. The students asked questions and did actually asked for our opinions and advices. 

I felt good imparting my struggles and how I cope with trying to find another alternative to still pursue my interest because it is what that makes me happy and what I feel passionate about.

I miss NAFA.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

An Offer

Auntie Oscar texted me a couple of days ago, telling me that she has a possible position in NAFA and thought that I would be a perfect fit for the role.

It's a nice feeling that someone actually thinks that I'm capable of doing more. Someone in a position of power, thinks that I am able to do more, to be part of something. Someone thought of me first when a position is open. Someone sees the potential inside of me. It's a real good feeling for someone like me who struggles with self-confidence.

Apparently, National Arts Council approached LaSalle and NAFA to create a project that would allow the freelancers in Singapore to connect with one another and prospective clients. Auntie Oscar said that she is currently proposing something for NAC. She has until end of the month to submit the proposal and NAC would get back to her by end of March. If NAFA does get the contract, Auntie Oscar would still need to fine-tune the program and it might take her roughly 3-6 months to finalize it.

I told her that I recently started my job at National Heritage Board and my contract will end in October 2018. She offered to put the position on hold for me. It means the world to me that she would do that. I will get to work in the Arts & Education industry. 

My job scope would be more towards the networking aspect within the industry. That's one thing that I am looking forward to because you get to see people expressing their creativity in different ways & be in awe of their talents.

I really hope that she will get the project.

In Shaa' Allah.

Monday, January 01, 2018

2018

Daily prayers.
  1. May Allah SWT forgives my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my sins.
  2. May Allah SWT accepts my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my deeds.
  3. May Allah SWT protect my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself from Hell.
  4. May Allah SWT protect my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself from any misfortune in this world.
  5. May Allah SWT guide my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself to the right path.
  6. May Allah SWT bring my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself to HIS Paradise.
  7. May Allah SWT strengthen my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my faith in HIM.
  8. May Allah SWT bless my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself with abundance wealth.
  9. May Allah SWT keep my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself in good health always.
  10. May Allah SWT bless my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my hearts and minds to be in good conscience always.
  11. May Allah SWT give me the strength to love and succeed in my current job.
  12. May Allah SWT allow me to achieve my goal of going to Paris for 1 week this year.
Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.