Traveling

I can feel my anxiety building up.

First, my cousin and her girlfriend invited me  to go on a 2-week vacation with them.

I was honestly excited at first because they were okay with me doing my own things and them doing their own things. We only need to fly and stay together but other than that, they will leave me to my own things. The idea of it was cool. The only problem is that my cousin can only go during her school holidays which is June and December. And tickets cost twice as much. I mean, we would split the cost of the apartment. That will be much cheaper than me paying it myself but if the tickets is going to cost twice, it makes no difference for me to go on holiday in September alone or December with them. So my brain is hesitating.

Second, my friends invited me to go on a vacation with them to Bali. 

I was excited. In front of them, obviously. But now the thought of it is making me nervous and anxious. The trip will be happening in July, so that's another 6 more months to go. I don't really like to go on beach holidays, traveling on boats, being in the sand and the beach just annoys me. At the same time, I'm beginning to get the sense that they are going to make a big deal out of it and invite more friends, which they did. And if it's going to be 4 days and 3 nights of partying, I know for a fact that I'm going to hate it big time. Also, I don't want to be a party pooper but from the looks of it, I am one. As the day passes by, I strongly feel the urge not to join for this trip at all. They invited me and they do have the right to invite whoever they want.

Third, my family wants to go on a vacation to Bali, at the end of the year.

Like why would I even want to do that? Since when have I ever enjoyed going on holidays with my family? I find it to be a hassle, a chore. Like the whole point of going on a vacation is to relax and have fun. But trips with my family is not fun for me at all. I just get agitated and annoyed. It's as if the whole point of the trip is to be as loud as possible and they need to move as a group at all times. And I'm the type of person that likes to wander off by myself since forever. Truth be told, going to Bali with my family, like what the fuck is there to do as a family there? Also, what's the point of a vacation where I can't smoke freely?

I can feel my anxiety building up.

So now, I'm trying to come up with ways to use up my annual leaves so that I won't have to travel with my friends, cousins and family. I honestly did not realize how much I disliked traveling overseas with anyone at all. Right now, just these thoughts make me anxious and really uncomfortable.

In Shaa Allah, I will sort out my own emotions...