As much as I feel jealous that everyone around me is moving forward in life at quite a speed, I realized that I wouldn't trade my life with them. They are adulting hard, with the typical goals of life - get a good job, get married, get a house, have a few children and then juggling all of these responsibilities for the rest of their lives. I respect their decisions and choices. It makes me happy to see that the people that I love are going forward and progressing steadily in their lives but at the same time, it makes me feel as if I am being left behind because I do not have the same goals as them. It's those kind of situation where you will always be in a situation of having complex emotions about it and constantly feeling inferior and insecure for being different, and the only way to get out of it, is to comfort yourself. Coming up with ways to instill this simple thought that it's okay to be different, it's okay to have different goals from your friends.
My mental health is important to me.
I have always been an emotional rollercoaster since I could remember. I just have a tendency to feel too much that I get affected by the slightest things. Then I think that I'm being sensitive about the stupidest things so I just suppressed everything and crying in the toilet became a normal thing for me. Then from one spectrum, I jumped over to the other end of the spectrum by not giving a shit about a lot of things. Cutting ties with people came too easy for me, and I have no idea why did I even cut ties with them, and I don't even care at all. Now, I'm working on myself trying understand whatever it is that I'm feeling. Trying to accept that it's okay to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. Just trying to feel things slowly without affecting my mood easily. Trying to learn how not to overthink things too much and purposely fucking myself up because fucking myself up feels so good even though it's wrong.
My freedom is important to me.
When you grew up in a rather conservative environment and being the eldest sibling in the family, having to live up to a certain expectation, it can get to you. I was 16 years old when I prayed 5 times a day, hoping that I will get into an accident and just die. It's not as if my life was hard back then but it was more of feeling the helplessness of all these rules and regulations. And as you grow older, more and more of these rules and regulations come into your life - religious laws, country laws, society laws. I honestly felt suffocated at the thought that as you grew older, you are bound to all these laws, that your whole life you are in a cage. Thus whatever form of freedom that I can get, I will grab hold of it in any way. There is this desperate need in me wishing to make decisions without worrying about the repercussions from my family or my closed ones. One of the reasons that I would love to just work overseas for 1 year at least, to get this feeling. The feeling of not having to consider any thing except your own.
My happiness is important to me.
Lastly, as I grow older, I realized that the only goal that I have in life is just to be happy. I don't think my life is sad or messed up, it's just that I don't think I have ever been 100% genuinely happy. I can truthfully say that in my almost 35 years of living in this world, I can count the number of times that I was very happy from the bottom of my heart, on my two hands. There is this mentality in me that whenever some thing happy happens to me, I feel that I don't deserve it and am constantly waiting for the bad news to drop anytime, even till today. It is getting better in a way, that anxious feeling is no longer nagging me that much when good things happen to be. Like I am able to take a compliment from my bosses without feeling guilty that I am being an attention seeker, if you get what I'm trying to say. Small steps.
At the end of the day, I just got to do things at my own pace. I got to stop comparing myself to my friends or my love ones. I need to focus on myself and know that I am going somewhere in life. Like I need to remind myself that I am no longer in the same space as where I was a year ago. It gets tiring to have to constantly tell yourself that you are doing good, that you are progressing. Because sometimes all you want is that small pat in the back from someone saying that they see you. For now, I just got to continue focusing and motivating myself.
In Shaa' Allah, I will be fine.
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