I'm trying. I'm honestly trying but there's just a certain void in me that I have no idea how to fill it up with. It's as if every night I can feel it for a couple of hours just before I go to bed. I don't feel it during the day because I'm busy with work & getting annoyed at everybody. But once I stepped out of my office & slowly walked across the park towards my home, I began to question everything.
It's beginning to eat me up slowly bit by bit.
I argued with my parents just to fight for my right to pursue a diploma in an arts school. Then I had to show to my parents that I'm good enough to pursue a degree in arts. I was aiming for the stars & I could feel myself reaching it, gave me the confidence to even shoot further. I graduated with a 3.11 CGPA for my diploma & an Upper 2nd Class Honors degree. I was the Vice President of my school's Student Leaders. I literally network my ass off because I know how important it is to have connections after graduation to get a job. I was doing at least 10 events a year, having a social life while still maintaining my average 3.0 GPA. I was one of the ambitious student because I was that confident of myself. I thought I was going somewhere in my life.
Now, a year after graduation, I'm working as an administrative executive at AIA which has nothing to do with my degree & I have only done 3 events this year. I see some of my fellow classmates, especially all of my Chinese classmates to get the jobs that are related to our diploma & degree while here I am still struggling trying to get a job that is related to my studies. I honestly think that I worked hard to get my diploma & degree, only to find out that after applying hundreds of jobs, I only got 8 job interviews and 20 rejections.
Now I started applying almost 200 strictly event jobs since end of August & all I have gotten are 9 rejections. I am so tired. I'm so tired of constantly having to fight to pursue my interest. It gets overwhelming feeling that you are not good enough. I am feeling slightly defeated from all these. I'm trying to keep myself busy with my art & my writings but there's only so much that my hobbies can do before reality comes catching up & begins to nitpick at every thought of mine. There's more for me to say but sadly I don't know how to put it in words for now.
I'm turning 30 in less than a months' time & I feel like a failure...
