I'm mentally & emotionally tired.
Mentally
It gets tiring when the higher management demands more out of you without considering the constraints and limitations of the current global pandemic situation. They constantly want results & expects creative ideas to be squeeze out of your brains. And when you provide less than ideal ideas or do know meet their expectations, they automatically shut you down and say that you are giving excuses. So you end up, just accommodating to their ideas, which confuses you and when you ask for clarifications, they quickly give off a condescending vibe as if you are stupid to know understand their complicated and labour intensive ideas. You fully know that what they are demanding is a 3-men job that is being split into a 2-men job with both of us reminding each other because overlooking certain things will have repercussions. If the job is split into 3, there will be more flow, more of us assisting each other rather than having to suck up to higher management.
I honestly do not want to get involve in the office politics but seeing the way that my director's train of thoughts makes me confused. At least 60% of the time, I have no idea how is it link to the original topic of discussion. And I made the mistake of pointing it out once, which ended up with me getting completely confused. And to see it happen to my colleagues as well, made me realize that it is better not to question. It doesn't help at all that she has a sense of elitist in the way that she presents herself. There's a different between being intelligent and grounded, and showing off to people that you are intelligent and that people need to know that you are smart.
I did not expect that after getting convert into a permanent position in February, within months, I got dragged into a complicated situation where I'm just trying my best to navigate. And my sense of constantly trying to think of 'there's always something new to learn from this job' is getting jaded quickly.
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Emotionally
I want to talk. Like just let out everything that I have bottled up. I have so much things to say, so many things to share, the good news and the bad news but every time I start, I will always get interrupted halfway through that I automatically lost the interest to even share. I want a friend that I can talk to about anything and everything, about my dark thoughts that keep me up most nights. I want a friend that I can be there for and they can be there for me as well. At the same time, I honestly don't know how to be a friend to someone. I can feel myself getting easily emotionally affected by a lot of things these past few months. I'm not sure if its because of the whole stay-at-home / work-from-home situation or something else. I just feel that I'm getting more and more desperate to distract my brain from thinking about anything.
I can feel that I'm lonely but I have no idea how to fix the situation because I feel that I will be a burden to others and at the same time, I feel that I will strongly dislike them. I get jealous seeing people going out with their friends or love ones but at the same time, I get repulse by the thought of going out with people. My tears are flowing as I typed this down. Thankfully, no one is around me now.
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I will be okay...
