Saturday, March 17, 2018

Feelings

I can't. I got to stop subconsciously sabotaging myself.

Logically speaking, I know nothing will happen between the 2 of us. You have been in a relationship with your boyfriend for more than 3 years. You have been staying with him for almost 2 years. I could tell that you do get excited talking about him. I could see that your relationship have reached those status of a married couple, where you just know how your partner behaves and are in sync with them. I am happy for you.

But...

At the back of my mind, I'm get excited when you texted me to meet up. We only had lunch together for like 5 times and it feels so easy talking to you. At every time I see you, it just put a smile on my face. The way you smile puts a smile on my face. The way you just be your weird self puts a smile on my face. The way you will always raise your right eyebrow puts a smile on my face. I am so annoyed that I'm crushing on you real hard. 

And I honestly can't believe that I actually compared you to SF. SF was like a more than a decade ago. You are the first person that I compared to SF that ended with me being happy with the results. I mean, I have been comparing anybody that I have had dated to SF since forever. And all of them will never measured up to SF but in some weird way, you do measured up to him.

I am trying my best to suppress my feelings for you. I am forcing myself to think that it's just a passing thing but I have a strong feeling that it won't go away for a long time. And I really don't want to fuck up our friendship. It's already really hard for me to make new friends. 

I hate how I get excited to meet up with you and the moment we parted, I fucking hate myself for crushing on you real bad. It makes me feel fucking stupid for not being able to be in control of my feelings towards you when I know nothing will ever happen between us. 

Now I'm stuck in this loop.