Last day...

Happy 2017...

I'm just going to try, keep on trying. I have no idea what I was planning to write. Countless thoughts are running through my head right now. One moment I feel overwhelmed & the next moment, I feel the need to cry my eyes out. After that, I feel pieces of my soul are chipping away. Several seconds later, I could feel myself struggling trying to come to terms with my reality. 

• Trying to grasp the concept of me being 30-years-old. 
• Trying to figure out the reality of me stuck in a job that does nothing for my soul. 
• Trying to come to terms that my plans went haywire. 
• Trying to accept the fact that the ambitious 24-year-old me is slowly fading into oblivion. 
• Trying to understand how did I end up here instead of being where I had planned to be.
• Trying to comprehend if I really have depression or am I making things up in my head.
• Trying to take in the fact that I am feeling too many things at once & have no idea how to stop it.
• Trying to absorb the logic that the dynamics around me are changing.
• Trying to acknowledge that certain things are actually coming to existence.
• Trying to decipher why I had only 1 job interview after applying for over 200 events-related jobs.
• Trying to fathom if my resume is really that bad & if I am just not cut out for events.
• Trying to wrap my head around my constant need to run away from reality.
• Trying to work out my need to constantly question everything about myself.
• Trying to make sense of everything that is going on without losing my sanity.

What happened to me?

Astaghfirullahal adzim alladzi la ilaha illa huwal hayyul qayyum wa atubu ilaih.

Happy 2017...

Birthday...

So my birthday came & went.

My colleagues threw me a mini-birthday surprise at the office. I had my suspicions about it. Pretended to be surprise by it but off course I hated it. I have always hated birthday surprises. It took everything in me not to just walked out of the office. Thank God, I had a job interview at a job agency around 4pm, so had to leave the office by 2pm. Pretended to enjoy myself before I left the office.

The job interview went surprisingly quite well even though it has been more than a year since I went for any job interview. I'm hoping that I will get the job though. Oddly enough, the way the interviewer was explaining the job was very brief & vague. But I did explained my experiences rather well, I think. All I can do is hope for the best. In Shaa' Allah, I will get a full time events-related job soon.

After the interview, I went to watch 'Rogue One: A Star Wars Story." It was perfect in every way. The cinematography was beautiful. The sceneries were so beautifully done, things that you can only imagine of. The acting was excellent. It was a genius move of the writers to put a female character as the lead. It was fresh, intriguing & gorgeously done. I actually cried & had goosebumps by how perfect the movie really is. I honestly would love to watch it again.

On Friday, I had a so-called birthday dinner with my family at Gurame Restaurant at East Coast. The food there was quite delicious but it just wasn't my cup of tea I guess. There was just something off about it, other than the fact that I was having a headache. The beef rendang was very soft & chewy, while the thick curry fish gravy was really nice & spicy. That was the only 2 dishes that I liked.

The cousins, siblings & close friends threw a surprise birthday picnic for me at the void deck. It was really beautifully done. It was simple & pretty, very instagram & pinterest worthy. As much as I'm grateful at them for surprising me, it just annoys me so much that they don't understand the concept of me completely hating surprises. I hate surprises. Always have, always will, no amount of surprises in the future will ever make me like surprises. It just gets annoying every time I have to fake it that I like the surprise. I'm grateful for it but I don't like it. It is so annoying because the surprise would end up with what they think I want instead of what I really want which is to have no surprises at all.

Other than that. It was a good celebration. A nice & quiet celebration which I am grateful for.

Speechless...

I'm trying. I'm honestly trying but there's just a certain void in me that I have no idea how to fill it up with. It's as if every night I can feel it for a couple of hours just before I go to bed. I don't feel it during the day because I'm busy with work & getting annoyed at everybody. But once I stepped out of my office & slowly walked across the park towards my home, I began to question everything.

It's beginning to eat me up slowly bit by bit. 

I argued with my parents just to fight for my right to pursue a diploma in an arts school. Then I had to show to my parents that I'm good enough to pursue a degree in arts. I was aiming for the stars & I could feel myself reaching it, gave me the confidence to even shoot further. I graduated with a 3.11 CGPA for my diploma & an Upper 2nd Class Honors degree. I was the Vice President of my school's Student Leaders. I literally network my ass off because I know how important it is to have connections after graduation to get a job. I was doing at least 10 events a year, having a social life while still maintaining my average 3.0 GPA. I was one of the ambitious student because I was that confident of myself. I thought I was going somewhere in my life.

Now, a year after graduation, I'm working as an administrative executive at AIA which has nothing to do with my degree & I have only done 3 events this year. I see some of my fellow classmates, especially all of my Chinese classmates to get the jobs that are related to our diploma & degree while here I am still struggling trying to get a job that is related to my studies. I honestly think that I worked hard to get my diploma & degree, only to find out that after applying hundreds of jobs, I only got 8 job interviews and 20 rejections. 

Now I started applying almost 200 strictly event jobs since end of August & all I have gotten are 9 rejections. I am so tired. I'm so tired of constantly having to fight to pursue my interest. It gets overwhelming feeling that you are not good enough. I am feeling slightly defeated from all these. I'm trying to keep myself busy with my art & my writings but there's only so much that my hobbies can do before reality comes catching up & begins to nitpick at every thought of mine. There's more for me to say but sadly I don't know how to put it in words for now.

I'm turning 30 in less than a months' time & I feel like a failure...

That emptiness...

Everything feels so wrong.

The urge to rip my skin from my body is so strong that I know it will still feel wrong.

The need to cut every single strand of nerves & carve out the flesh, fats & muscles just to feel clean but it's still not enough.

The desire to pull all my organs out & cut them to pieces & feed them to the animals & it's still not adequate.

The itch to throw my bones into the fire & watch them burnt to ashes & it will never suffice.

Everything feels so overwhelmingly wrong.

Progressing

Maybank (Semester 1 of Degree)

Loan: $10,100 (include interest)

Paid: $5,350

Balance: $4,750

Mendaki (Semester 2 of Degree)
Loan: $4,900
Paid: $3,000
Balance: $1,900

CPF (Year 1, Semester 1 of Diploma)
Loan: $2,242.82 (include interest)
Paid: $650
Balance: $1,592.82

After careful consideration and calculation, I have decided to backpack Europe in October 2018. I had a couple of people who advise me that I should go either in September or October to avoid the summer heat and to enjoy the start of fall. And it will also give me more time to save money.

Basically, I have 21 months to save $10,000.

I can do this. In Shaa' Allah.

Plot?

Came across several of these digital arts by Leila Leiz more than a year ago and I completely fell in love with them. Then a few days ago, came across some of her drawings on instagram and I began to frantically search for this selected series of drawings. I only found 12 of these ladies. Now I'm obsessed with coming up a storyline that involves all of them.

I am still writing my 4th fan-fiction.

I just started writing my 5th fan-fiction.

I am thinking of my 6th fan-fiction involving these ladies.

But I got nothing right now and it's pissing me off.

I will think of something...

I will...

Krabication.

xoxo

Krabi Trip

4 days 3 nights in Krabi.

What started out as a solo trip, turned into a trip with Netty, followed by Nazron joining us at the airport and Fairul surprising us at the gate.

4 of us.

1st day

Touchdown around 4pm in Krabi, check-in by 5pm and had dinner soon after. Thankfully, Nazron and Fairul have bike licenses so we rented 2 bikes for us. 

Had dinner then went to Krabi Town Night Market. Before we knew, we actually spent like a good 3 hours shopping there. I mean, the ride from our hotel to the place, itself was half an hour but it was definitely worth it. The ride was totally relaxing, with the cool breeze, the darkness of the night skies and the peacefulness of the countryside. It was a drastic change from the crazy bright lights and traffic jams of the Singapore's roads. It felt really good riding around at night.

By the time, we reached the hotel, it was after midnight. We unpack our stuffs, sorted out our shoppings and drank our troubles away. By the time, we fell asleep, it was already 4 in the morning.

2nd day

So much for wanting to wake up at 7am. We woke up around 9am and completely took our own sweet time to get ready. We originally wanted to go to 'The Grotto', a restaurant on one of the nearby islands inside a cliff. Took a 15 minutes boat ride and spent more than an hour searching for the restaurant only to be told that it's only for the resort's residences. 

End up, taking pictures by the beaches and the cliffs before we went back. We dropped by a nearby Buddhist Temple located under a cliff. I was just in awed by the entire place. After that, we explore the stretch of Ao Nang area, filled with shops. While Fairul had his tattoo done, we managed to walked the stretch to find souvenirs for our friends.

By the time we were done, we went for dinner and reached back to our hotel around 1 in the morning. We had another drinking session and a really in-depth conversation about everything till it was 5 in the morning.

3rd day

Surprisingly Nazron was able to wake up by 7am and pack his stuffs and went out by 9.30am. He had to fly off for a wedding. We continued sleeping and woke up at 11am before getting ready to go to the Tiger Temple Cave.

It was 1 in the afternoon when we reached there. I salute Fairul for managing to climb up all 1,237 steps to the summit. I applaud Netty for managing to get up to 800 plus steps before she tired herself out. As for me, I only managed to get to 300 steps before I freaked out because of the height. I didn't realized that my fear of heights was really overwhelming. I couldn't shake it off until a couple of hours later.

We originally wanted to go to Emerald Pool after we were done by found out that it was closed at 5pm. In the end, we found some random beach and spent our time taking some really beautiful sunset shoots before we went off for dinner.

After dinner, we went off for a much-needed manicure, pedicure and massage. Spent a good 2 and half hours getting pampered by some of the most friendliest Thai people that we have ever met. Went for supper at a nearby McDonalds before finally going back to the hotel to pack out stuffs.

By 4am, all 3 of us were sound asleep and surprisingly enough, the 3 of us managed to wake up by 8am and check-out by 9.30am.

4th day

We reached the airport on time. We check-in on time. We definitely going to miss Krabi.

Surprisingly, Kak Lenny and family were there to fetch Netty. It was a nice feeling to see familiar faces at the airport before we went our separate ways.

~~~

Definitely need to plan another outing as a group and this time round, we need to include Azieera, Dzaki and the 2 boys - a family outing. In Shaa' Allah.

My 3rd Fan Fiction

My 3rd Fan Fiction Story.

A 'Teen Wolf' & 'X-Men' Story.

The Mutants' Last Stand

Post

Secret Post just to hit 15 post per year.

My OCD is taking over me.

Quiet...

I guess life has been quiet.

I'm beginning to adapt, I guess.

Work has been taxing but I'm beginning to get into the momentum. It's not easy when you have to manage 2 managers and 12 agents. Liza has 7 agents under her. Aaron has 5 agents under him. By the end of the year, both of them want to have 10 agents each. So that would mean that I have to manage 2 managers and assist 20 agents. As much as I want to freak out, I'll just wait for it and see how things would play out.

On the plus side, this June, I can ask for an increment since I would have work for them full-time for 6 months. And Sharon is asking me to work every weekend for the whole month of June at the Zoo and River Safari. She is paying me $150 per day, which amounts to $1,200 extra pay for me in July. Syukur Alhamdulillah.

I'm on track with paying my student loan.

I have paid $1,500 off from my $4,900 Mendaki Education Loan.

I have paid $3,250 off from my $8,300 MayBank Education Loan (excluding interest).

I have to start paying off my CPF Education Loan starting June, which my dad is helping me with.

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

What else is there to update?

I'm beginning to become obsessed with writing my fan-fictions. I'm writing 2 fan-fictions involving my favourite TV character of all-time, Stiles Stilinski. I'm having fun getting inspired from random television shows and mixing them up. And it certainly helps with having the freedom to do whatever it is that you want and getting positive response from the readers.

Now, I'm contemplating between going for a short holiday to Bangkok during the National Day week or a solo Staycation at Scarlet Hotel. But at least I have decided on how to go about celebrating my 30th birthday. I'm going to get the selected few to join me for a short 4 days 3 nights relaxing spa vacation at Montigo Resorts Residences. Hopefully, all of them can make it. In Shaa' Allah.

Other than that, hopefully I would be able to start taking my driving lessons some time in July. In Shaa' Allah. 

Searching again.

What do you expect would have happen when you are constantly throwing things at me and expecting them to be done by the day when I have another responsibilities to do and you are paying me only so little?

I'm only earning $1,600.

My job is to manage the daily administrative stuffs of 2 managers, constantly finding out about things because both of them have no idea about any of the admin things that are needed to know, constantly have to be on the ball and get things done as soon as possible thus pushing all my daily duties aside, and planning and chasing them for the roadshow details for this year because both of them decided to volunteer and take charge of it. On top of that, one of my managers is being audited for her 2011, 2012 and 2013 income tax and getting married in April. And she is beginning to rely on me for nearly everything including fixing her mistakes when it comes to her clients' Financial Health Review submissions.

I mean, if I'm earning $2,200 and you expect me to do all this and constantly work overtime for it to get it done, then i'm telling you, i would grumble less but still get it done. The thing is that I have been working overtime for more than 2 weeks just to get things done. And it's annoying the shit out of me.

Thus, I am searching for a new job, once again...

1. Executive, Office Of Dean Of Students (6 Months) @ Singapore Management University
2. Coordinator, Channel Development (E-Commerce & Partnership) @ Sentosa
3. Executive, Events Management @ Sentosa
4. Executive Officer, Student Admissions Office (1 Year) @ Nanyang Academy Of Fine Arts
5. Executive / Officer, Central Planning Unit @ Management Development Institute Of Singapore
6. Officer / Admin Assistant, Library Engagement @ Management Development Institute Of Singapore
7. Administration Officer, HQ (2 Years) @ SAFRA National Service Association
8. Officer / Admin Assistant, Central Registry @ Management Development Institute Of Singapore
9. Marketing Executive @ Richemont Luxury (Singapore) Pte. Ltd.
10. Associate, Student Administration (6 Months) @ Singapore University Of Technology & Design
11. Admin Executive @ JT & JT
12. Senior Executive, Administration @ National Gallery Singapore
13. Course Co-ordinator @ Executive Counseling & Training Academy
14. Senior Executive, Programmes (Education) @ Singapore Art Museum
15. Project Executive @ Pico Art International Pte. Ltd.
16. Senior Executive Officer, Student Admissions Office @ Nanyang Academy Of Fine Arts
17. Administrative Executive, Office Of Research (2 Year) @ Singapore Management University
18. Admin Coordinator, ArtScience Museum @ Marina Bay Sands Pte. Ltd.

Now, I'm just hoping, wishing and praying.

In Shaa' Allah, I will get the job of my dreams.

Overwhelmed.

I'm working full-time as an Administrative Executive at AIA for my friend / manager's agency.

Started out as a part-timer in October and November before I took a break and returned back in January as a full-timer. I know my role is supposed to be the secretary for my friend but it has been slightly overwhelming these past few weeks. 

The first week I started, I had to begin sorting out all the backlog and clear it while still assisting my manager with her new cases and new clients. At the same time, I assisted her in planning her wedding, trying to keep track of her checklist and updating her constantly. Then it was Chinese New Year and I had to filter out 120 of her Chinese clients out of her 450 plus client list, contact them and double check their address and sent out Chinese New Year cards to all of them and 50 goodies to them, on top of my normal duties.

After Chinese New Year, I found out that my manager will be in-charge for this year's roadshow. Just when I thought I had the chance to relax, I have another list of responsibilities to do. Last week, my manager got informed that IRAS wants to her to submit her 2011, 2012 and 2013 income for them to go through. 

On top of my normal duties, I have to assist her in her wedding, I have to sort out, plan and do the budgeting for the roadshows for the entire year and lastly, I have to do her income.

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed but I'll be okay.

My 2nd Fan Fiction

My 2nd Fan Fiction Story.

A 'Teen Wolf', 'Agents Of SHIELD', 'The Avengers' & 'X-Men' Story.

Stiles Stilinski, Supernatural Avenger

Hello 2016

2016 New Year Resolutions

1. Constantly be grateful to Allah SWT everyday for all the good & bad things that come my way.
2. Save up money for my Europe backpacking trip in 2018.
• By December 2016 - $6,000
• By December 2017 - $6,000
• By June 2018 - $3,000
3. Quit smoking completely.
4. Write a 100, 000 words Fan-fiction story.

In Shaa' Allah, I will achieve all of them.