Bye 2021

2021 in a summary for me.

Bad things...

1. My birthday staycation got cancelled because the hotel was being converted into a quarantine area for COVID-19 patients. The hotels that I wanted as my replacement staycation were all fully booked so ended up with no staycation.
2. My laptop started giving me problem - once it switches over to screensaver mode, it will just auto shut down and it will take me 15 - 20 minutes just to switch it back on. So now, I crossing my fingers hoping that it will last for at least a few more months before I have money to buy a new laptop.
3. I got a C for my appraisal - that is an average grade after what I have done for the past few months. I am partially covering a manager's role on top of my own responsibilities. Apparently that is still not enough for a C+ grading.
4. I got scammed. I lost $2,000. That's it. I'm not going to say more since it is still fresh and fucking hurts me emotionally and mentally.
5. I got COVID-19, got quarantined for 10 days - had runny nose, sneezing, dry cough, night fevers, body aches, loss of my sense of smell and taste.
6. My Apple iTunes account got hacked and the hacker wiped clean my bank account - $946.40. And for the first time in my life, I saw my bank account balance of -$11.70. I called Apple to get it sorted out and got the money back about a week later but the thought that it could be hacked. And now, I can't buy things using my account - apparently it kept prompting that there's an error.
7. My 1 years' worth of data entries got wipe clean because I forgot to do a back-up on the software before I did my tech refresh. Of all the stupid silly mistakes that I can make, it just had to be a big one. I ended up spending the whole day from 9am till 7.30pm with minimal break just to re-enter all the data.

Good things...

1. I received my emplacement letter with effect from 23rd Jan - I am a confirmed permanent staff of National Heritage Board. And that means that I can't get fired and I can jumped around to other departments or other government bodies.
2. I feel myself grow professionally - Since I am constantly being throw at to be the representative of certain things while juggling my current responsibilities and partially covering for my ex-manager. As much as it is mentally tiring on me at the same time I can see myself forcing myself to keep up, to be out of my comfort zone and not to fall behind.
3. I lost weight and gain muscles - I'm happy that I'm trying my best to be consistent in my exercise, working out 4 times a week, twice with a trainer and twice by myself. And honestly, it helps with my mental health.
4. I completed my 99 faces project. I can see the improvement in the terms of my creativity of constantly trying to come up with all sorts of patterns as the backdrop of my drawings. Now, I'm starting on my next project - 99 patterns.
5. I managed to get a few gifts for myself although not as crazy as last year but I am content that I was able to afford things for myself in the midst of all this mess.

In Shaa' Allah, 2022 will be a better year.

Birthdate

My birthday was a quiet one, as usual but I feel as if this time round, it was more low-key compared to previous years. I am still mentally and emotionally affected by what had happened to me. 

I went to the gym, followed by late lunch and watched "The French Dispatch" by Wes Anderson at Shaw Towers. Then I walked around aimlessly at Orchard Road while online shopping my own birthday presents.

• 1 X Topman Short Sleeve Shirt
• 1 X New Look Short-Sleeve Shirt
• 2 X ASOS Oversized T-shirt
• 1 X ASOS Watch
• 3 Books by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu
• Heaven Official's Blessing, Vol. 1
• Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, Vol. 1
• The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System, Vol. 1

And that's it. That's how I celebrated my 35th birthday while trying to hold myself together, trying my best not to break into pieces.

In Shaa' Allah, I will be okay. Small baby steps.

Long Birthday Post

35 things I'm proud of in my 35 years of living in this world.

35. I have watched a ballet, an opera & a classical concert before - there's something elitist about it but at the same time, I feel that it is really elegant, graceful and beautiful, and i really feel that I should go watch new shows but sadly, I don't have any close friends who are interested in it and I'm not that confident to watch it alone yet. The first time I watched all of them was with my ex-NAFA classmates as part of our assignments. 

34. I was a dancer, became part of a dance group & we got 3rd place for a dance competition once - I honestly missed dancing. There's something about learning and memorizing dance moves and performing it on stage to an audience. I truly miss that adrenaline rush.

33. I have dated a Malay, a Chinese, an Indian, an Eurasian, an Indonesian, a Norwegian, an American, a British, an Australian, a French, a German & an African-American - you know I know what I'm talking about and we shall leave it at that.

32. My collection of almost 200 books & comics - and I still have another 70 over titles on my list that I would love to buy but I know that I got no more space in my house.

31. I posted 6 fan-fiction stories online & 1 of them has more than 43,000 hits - which I posted back in 2016 and that is impressive to me but I have stopped writing fan-fictions, now that I am obsessed with colouring and drawing patterns, we shall see if I have the creativity to write another fan-fiction in the future. Anyway, the link is here if you want to read it.

30. I got involved as a "wedding coordinator" in 9 of my families & friends' weddings - honestly, when one of my cousins' asked me to help out, it just came naturally, then I instinctively know what to expect and what to do even though I got really annoyed when I'm dealing with the parents but it was all good fun and completely worth it when the bride & groom are happy at the end of the day.

29. I learn basic French but I think it has went down the drain and I need to start learning it again - it really sucks when you don't have someone to practice it with you because I really feel that's one of the best way to learn a language, to have someone to converse it with you.

28. I accidentally discovered the Boys' Love genre - I'm obsessed with it. Keeping up with my Korean, Japanese, Chinese and Thai BL tv series. I can write a whole damn post just about my obsession with BL shows and how oddly enough it gives me hope even though it's just a fantasy.

27. I am earning good enough that I can afford the things that I need and sometimes things that I want and buy them without thinking.

26. I am proud that I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone bit by bit - If you were to tell me this is where I am right now, back in 2011. I would not have believe you because I am an introvert that craves comfort and familiarity more than anything else. But these past few years - traveling overseas alone, working 2 jobs at once, working out, taking on more responsibilities at work, making the effort to keep my mental and emotional health in check, I'm proud that I'm taking small steps.

25. I am proud of my work ethics and am actually surprised at my capabilities - Honestly, I thought I will fuck up with all the workload piling up on me and my manager. The 2 of us are doing 4 people's workload, even though we are slightly struggling but I realize that it forces me to prioritize things and to keep on moving. It's fuck up but I need to do it just to get emplace into the company. I just have to endure until 23rd January.

24. My interest in other languages tv series & movies - I'm just confuse with myself. I beginning to get bored with English tv series, so I'm watching Chinese, Taiwanese, Thai, Japanese, Indonesian, Mexican & several European & Eastern-European TV shows and movies. It's a miracle that I have not butchered my English yet.

23. I am proud of my siblings and cousins - I consider myself to be on okay terms with my siblings and cousins, I won't say that I'm super close to them but seeing as we all grew up together, from where we started to where we are now like, I am really fucking proud of them, proud of us. The shits and things that most of us have done, I am honestly proud that none of us fall off the tracks.

22. I started going for yoga classes every Wednesday - For the past 3 and a half months, and no, I still can't touch my toes while straightening out my legs but damn, it feels good and relaxing to stretch the shit out of yourself.

21. I started working out 3 times a week at the gym - I am going to keep maintaining this for the next 1 year. I need this to be a habit because honestly, it helps me with my mental and emotional stability.

20. I lost 4.5kg in 2 months, that's a good start to reaching my ideal weight - I was 75.3kg and now, I'm at 70.8kg so another 5 more kg to go then I shall see if I'm happy with myself at 65kg, if I'm not, I will just lose more weight. We shall see how or what I'm thinking later on.

19. I have been at my current job for more than 4 years - longest full-time job ever, I'm proud that I am able to stay this long, hopefully longer.

18. I have worked for F1 for 7 years, 2013 till 2019 - One of the best things that has ever happened to me. I've met and worked with so many beautiful souls because of F1. I really want to work with them again. Working for F1 for a week, once a year just brightens up my entire year. I used up my leave to work for F1 just to meet all the regular faces back then.

17. I went to Paris alone for 10 days, my first overseas solo trip - I did get lost a couple of time but other than that, I'm fucking proud of myself for surviving overseas alone and stepping out of my comfort zone. I really want to go Paris again. I want to travel overseas alone again.

16. My 10 years of friendship - Nadia, Olivia, Lim Hui - I am truly grateful for them, in some weird way, they help me to move forward and achieve more in life. I'm proud of the fact that even though we rarely meet up with each other but when we do, everything just falls into place. It feels easy and right being friends with them.

15. My 15 years of friendship - Azieera, Syima, Netty & Ayun - I am so grateful for them and proud of myself that I made and am still making the effort to keep them in my life when I know how easily I cut people out. No amount of words can explain how grateful I am for them.

14. I am happy that I started to be more focus on my arts - It is more of me just constantly drawing and colouring patterns to keep my mind in check. Improving my skills is a secondary thing for me. It comforts me to do it. Visit my instagram if you like.

13. I volunteered for NAFA Freshmen Week, 2012 till 2014 and NAFA Open House, 2013 till 2016.

12. I got selected to go to Japan for 2 weeks for an exchange programme during my final-year of my Diploma.

11. I got voted to be the Vice-President of the Student Leaders in 2012 - which was a surprise to me considering that I really didn't think that I was one of the popular kids for it.

10. I graduated with a Diploma in Arts Management, Performing Arts at 28 years old - I felt old but I'm proud that I actually completed it.

09. I got a scholarship for my 2nd year of my Diploma.

08. I paid for my Diploma - only 2 years of it, which is $8,000.

07. I got into Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts.

06. I paid for my Degree, all $16,000 of it by myself.

05. I graduated with an Upper 2nd Class Honours in Creative Industry Management - I am still pissed off that I got an overall grading of 69.5 out of 100 and to get a 1st Class Honours, I just need to score a 70. Bloody arses.

04. I have not gone all-out picking a fight or kill someone yet - At times I feel that it's a miracle that I have not fucking fight or kill the numerous idiots surrounding me. I am impressed by my patience even though I cursed them behind their backs. I'm proud that I'm behaving like an adult for the sake of the final product or results. But I really hope that they get knocked down by a car and the same car will accidentally reverse back into them.

03. I have completed reading the Quran twice - I should make it my New Year resolution to complete finish reading it again. In Shaa' Allah.

02. I only had 4 breakdowns this year - 3 at home & 1 in the office. I think it's my lowest number of breakdowns so far in the past few years. I think I'm getting better in a way that I can control my emotions but at the same time, I'm scared that one fine day, it will come pouring out and I can't stop myself. I almost had a breakdown, a few days ago but I was able to distract myself so it wasn't that bad. Now I feel like having another one as I'm typing this down. I'm tired. I'm just tired.

01. I have not cut myself in the past 3 years, just to feel something - I have reached the stage in my life when I'm not suicidal but I still have suicidal thoughts. I guess it's more of if I happened to get into an accident, I guess I won't fight for my life, I would just let it be. It is a huge sin to commit suicide, I guess in a way, I am technically not committing suicide if I just give up if I got involved into a huge accident, right?

Fucked Up November

Basically November is a bad month for me. I desperately want it to end.

Right now, it's just me and my manager juggling the workload of 4 people. And my manager's mom had a bad fall that required surgery a couple weeks ago, so on top of taking care of her newborn baby, she also has to take care of her mom. For the past few weeks she has been taking 2 days' leave each week to take care of her baby and her mom. So on those days, I have to follow up with whatever that she ask of me, while juggling my other workloads. I was mentally drained out and stretched. 

Then I had my end-of-year appraisal with my Director. A standard C grade means that you are doing your job, nothing more, nothing less. And my Director gave me a C grade, considering that both my manager and I are juggling the jobs of 4 people between the two of us. Both of us got a C grade even after what we have been doing the past 3 months. Like we will be juggling this workload until the new staff comes in February. That's 4 people's workload for 2 people for a total of 5 months and we are still getting a standard C grade. It just feels so frustrating when you are not being recognized for your hard work.

So when something good happened to me, it was nice to be distracted and getting attention from someone after all these while. Instead shit happened to me again. I got scammed. I want to write it down but at the same time, I feel so embarrassed that I allowed this situation to happened. I feel embarrassed, disappointed and stupid that I let my emotions get the best out of me. I didn't expect this out of myself and 1 week later, I am still emotionally affected by it. I feel that I should type it down but the thought of it, just to read it all over again scares me. I made a police report about it but I'm not hoping for much, don't think that I will get my money back. Part of me is still in denial that something like this happened to me. 

While this whole shit show was happening to me, my MacBook decided to give me a problem by constantly freezing up and restarting all over again. On a good day, I could use it for 2-3 hours before it will froze up and restart several times and then i just shut it down. And it has been happening for the almost 2 weeks that I only use it on weekends. Hoping like crazy that it doesn't act up.

I lost my money. I can't afford to buy a new laptop. And also had to cancelled my birthday solo staycation.

On Monday, I fell sick. I'm down with flu. I did my ART in the morning and it was negative. Then an hour later, I started to sneeze and it got worst so I decided to go to the doctor. The doctor did my ART and the result was negative. On Tuesday, I got the result from my PCR and I'm COVID positive. So here I am right now in Festive Hotel, Sentosa, sharing a room with a random covid patient. I will be quarantined here until next Thursday, 2nd Dec. I got enough things to do to keep myself distracted.

I just want November to end. I'm still emotionally unstable and I can feel myself losing grip.

In Shaa' Allah, I will be okay.

PS: Someone reminded me that the reason I fell sick is Allah's way of showing that He wants to help me get rid of my sins. Thank you & bless you for reminding me.

Routine

I think I'm beginning to gain the momentum to turn my routine into a daily habit. For the past 4 weeks, I got into a routine which I realized is making me maintain some weird pretense that my life is quite well put together. Part of me is hopping that I can preserve this whole scenario for the long run.

Monday - Gym workout with my trainer

Tuesday - Reading either my current manhwa or light novel

Wednesday - Yoga Calm class

Thursday - Catch up on whatever TV series that I am in the mood for

Friday - Gym workout by myself

Saturday - Afternoon gym workout with my trainer, then coloring & drawing while catching up on my TV series

Sunday - Iron my work clothes for the following week, clean my room, then coloring & drawing while catching up on my TV series

I have another 8 more weeks left with my personal trainer, and I really hope that by the end of it, this weekly schedule of mine will develop into a habit that can last until it's time to change things up again.

In Shaa' Allah, I am able to stick to this routine for a long time.

Working out

I could feel myself getting more and more unhappy about my physique. And also becoming more lazy to even do anything. Like I find it easier to shut myself down rather than to make an effort to meet up with my friends just to listen to them talk about random things. At times, I can feel myself wasting my life away just listening to their pointless conversation, without having any idea of how to elevate the topic that it ends up with me asking follow-up questions for the sake of pretending to be interested.

In an effort to make myself happy - other than reading my comics, light novels & books, & doing my drawings, I decided to sign up for a gym membership with Virgin Active.

Anybody who knows me, knows fully well that I am a lazy person & how much I really want a motorized wheelchair, the exact model out of WALL-E. So signing up for a membership is already a big step for me.

I basically signed up for the 12-week workout challenge, which is half price during this period, & added on a package of 4 introduction training sessions with a personal trainer at a 73% discounted rate. Honestly, it feels good to physically do something after so long of just lazing around to read. Since it was my first time working out since forever, I honestly wanted to cry since my body ached so bad. But after 4 sessions, I'm getting used to it.

In my excitement, I did something that was really out of my comfort zone. I told the trainer that I would like to continue having 2 sessions weekly with him, after I completed the 4 introduction training sessions with him. Apparently, signing up for a personal trainer has a contract of minimum 3 months. So from 23rd September till 23rd December, I will be training with my trainer twice a week. I counted, I will be having a maximum of 27 sessions, paying at full price. In my effort trying to lose weight, I am spending almost $3,500 for the next 3 months.

Monday - Workout Session

Wednesday - Yoga

Friday - Workout Session

I will be broke for the next 3 months but at least I will losing weight & looking cute.

In Shaa' Allah, I will be just fine with all these workout sessions.

Stretched

1 of my 3 managers is currently on hospitalization & maternity leave since May, she will be back in September. So basically I have been covering about 10 - 15% of her workload.

Then another manager tendered her resignation back in July as she is going back to school to do her Masters. So I took over about 20% of her workload until my department hires a new manager. And from the looks of it, don't think the hiring process is going well.

My last manager got offered a job at LTA & is confirm taking up the job offer. Considering that I have been working closely with her all this time & she has been looping me in at least 60% of her emails, from the looks of it, it's obvious that I will taking over a bulk of her workload once she leave.

On top of all these, I am the BCM Rep, KPI Rep, eRegistry Rep, Data Domain Steward and the Fire Warden for my department.

Juggling all of these responsibilities, while doing my daily administrative & finance duties.

I can feel myself getting stretched further but it is those kind of situation where I will either sink or swim. And I desperately want to swim, proving my worth but it's hard when my emotions & mental health are all over the place. It's that kind of thinking that if I can get over & excel in this situation, I will have the confidence to aim higher but at the same time, it's emotionally & mentally tiring just tiring to be better. I can feel myself drained from doing too much & from not doing anything either. 

I will be okay. In Shaa' Allah.

All over the place

When you are concurrently keeping up with your latest comics, light novels and tv shows...

I can feel a headache coming but I don't know how to stop myself. I keep switching in between. Halfway watching my TV shows, I will switch to my light novels or comics and vice versa. And sometimes, I get confused with what the hell is happening in the plots. I need to try to focus but I get distracted or bored while watching or reading, and just start switching to whatever I feel like watching or reading at that point. Then sometimes I feel restless and start trying to find something new to read or watch.

Webtoon / Manga / Manhua / Manhwa

1. The Breaker
2. The Master of Diabolism (The Untamed)
3. Eleceed
4. Tower of God
5. The Gamer
6. Noblesse
7. Spirit Blade Mountain

Light Novels

1. A Record of a Mortal's Journey to Immortality
2. Emperor's Dominion
3. Sage Monarch
4. Nine Star Hegemon Body Art
5. The Ghostly Doctor
6. God Emperor

TV Shows

1. Handsome Siblings (China)
2. The Untamed (China)
3. Word of Honor (China)
4. Once Upon a Time in Lingjian Mountain (China)
5. Advance Bravely (China)
6. Still 2gether (Thailand)
7. He's Coming To Me (Thailand)
8. Golden Blood (Thailand)
9. Mouse (South Korea)
10. Light To Me (South Korea)
11. Hospital Playlist, Season 2 (South Korea)
12. The Penthouse 3: War in Life (South Korea)
13. My Roommate is a Gumiho (South Korea)
14. Voice, Season 4 (South Korea)
15. Be Loved in House: I Do (Taiwan)
16. Ossan's Love (Hong Kong)

I can feel myself being all over the place.

Career direction?

So, did my mid-year appraisal last week. 

It was not a hopeful situation when you realized that in order for you to get a C+ grading, it is in consideration of the other people of the same position as you, across the company instead of within your department.

I'm currently a Senior Officer, so in order to get a C+ or B grading, I need to do more things that are out of my job scope, taking charge of a project or something. On top of that, I need to know what other Senior Officers in other departments are doing as they are considered as my competition in terms of our capabilities and to ensure that I am on par and deserving of the C+ and above grading. And also, in order to qualify for a promotion, I have to maintain a C+ for 3 consecutive appraisals, which I know is a little bit hard knowing fully well that even if I do meet the qualifications, my Director would not fight for it.

I was a temp staff for 2 years and 3 months before I got converted to a contract perm position. I have been working here since October 2017 but based on the company's record - I have only been working there since Jan 2020 when they converted me, which leads me to another thing that I got annoyed at.

There was an internal career opportunity at the start of the month, - Executive Assistant to the CEO, I read through the job description and saw that it was practically what I am currently doing in my department. I mean, my current job scope have expanded to twice as much when I first came in. Anyway, there were quite a few complaints about the previous PA ever since I joined the company. The previous PA has retired so I thought I will have a chance since I know I can do better and am confident in doing better than the previous PA. Alas, it was not meant to be. HR rejected my application stating that I have not completed my 2 years contract perm position. I can only apply for other positions in other departments after completing it, which will be Jan 2022.

Today, I found out that there was another internal career opportunity - Manager, Administration - Finance, Procurement and Administration Department. I was going through the job description, once again I am confident on taking on the role. It is almost similar to what I am currently doing in terms of all my administrative and finance duties to my department, this role, is just more on a bigger scale. It will be a good challenge but, it's just not meant to be.

Oh well, I guess I shall just continue with where I am right now. Either wait until Jan 2022 before looking for a change or wait until Dec 2022, so that my resume would at least look a little bit impressive having work here for 5 years, before making my next move.

In Shaa' Allah, everything will be fine.

Own Pace

As much as I feel jealous that everyone around me is moving forward in life at quite a speed, I realized that I wouldn't trade my life with them. They are adulting hard, with the typical goals of life - get a good job, get married, get a house, have a few children and then juggling all of these responsibilities for the rest of their lives. I respect their decisions and choices. It makes me happy to see that the people that I love are going forward and progressing steadily in their lives but at the same time, it makes me feel as if I am being left behind because I do not have the same goals as them. It's those kind of situation where you will always be in a situation of having complex emotions about it and constantly feeling inferior and insecure for being different, and the only way to get out of it, is to comfort yourself. Coming up with ways to instill this simple thought that it's okay to be different, it's okay to have different goals from your friends.

My mental health is important to me.

I have always been an emotional rollercoaster since I could remember. I just have a tendency to feel too much that I get affected by the slightest things. Then I think that I'm being sensitive about the stupidest things so I just suppressed everything and crying in the toilet became a normal thing for me. Then from one spectrum, I jumped over to the other end of the spectrum by not giving a shit about a lot of things. Cutting ties with people came too easy for me, and I have no idea why did I even cut ties with them, and I don't even care at all. Now, I'm working on myself trying understand whatever it is that I'm feeling. Trying to accept that it's okay to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. Just trying to feel things slowly without affecting my mood easily. Trying to learn how not to overthink things too much and purposely fucking myself up because fucking myself up feels so good even though it's wrong.

My freedom is important to me.

When you grew up in a rather conservative environment and being the eldest sibling in the family, having to live up to a certain expectation, it can get to you. I was 16 years old when I prayed 5 times a day, hoping that I will get into an accident and just die. It's not as if my life was hard back then but it was more of feeling the helplessness of all these rules and regulations. And as you grow older, more and more of these rules and regulations come into your life - religious laws, country laws, society laws. I honestly felt suffocated at the thought that as you grew older, you are bound to all these laws, that your whole life you are in a cage. Thus whatever form of freedom that I can get, I will grab hold of it in any way. There is this desperate need in me wishing to make decisions without worrying about the repercussions from my family or my closed ones. One of the reasons that I would love to just work overseas for 1 year at least, to get this feeling. The feeling of not having to consider any thing except your own.

My happiness is important to me.

Lastly, as I grow older, I realized that the only goal that I have in life is just to be happy. I don't think my life is sad or messed up, it's just that I don't think I have ever been 100% genuinely happy. I can truthfully say that in my almost 35 years of living in this world, I can count the number of times that I was very happy from the bottom of my heart, on my two hands. There is this mentality in me that whenever some thing happy happens to me, I feel that I don't deserve it and am constantly waiting for the bad news to drop anytime, even till today. It is getting better in a way, that anxious feeling is no longer nagging me that much when good things happen to be. Like I am able to take a compliment from my bosses without feeling guilty that I am being an attention seeker, if you get what I'm trying to say. Small steps.

At the end of the day, I just got to do things at my own pace. I got to stop comparing myself to my friends or my love ones. I need to focus on myself and know that I am going somewhere in life. Like I need to remind myself that I am no longer in the same space as where I was a year ago. It gets tiring to have to constantly tell yourself that you are doing good, that you are progressing. Because sometimes all you want is that small pat in the back from someone saying that they see you. For now, I just got to continue focusing and motivating myself.

In Shaa' Allah, I will be fine.

Contentment

There is a certain sense of contentment that washes through you when you take a step back from your life to have a good look at your friendships, both the past and the present.

~~~

Syima got married yesterday.

Zarrin got married last month.

Ayun & Netty got married to each other back in 2019.

Azieera got married back in 2013.

Azman got married back in 2016.

Lala got married last year, I think.

Q got engaged last month.

Randy got married a few years back.

Arini got married a couple of years back.

Alif has been together with Syabil for years.

Fairul is dating someone for the past few months.

Feeza is dating someone for the past few months.

~~~

Nadia got married back in 2017.

Nique got married last year.

Nisa got married last year.

Fee got married last month.

Lim Hui got engaged last year.

~~~

I have had always take pride in being the mother hen within my groups of friends. Fusing about them over stupid things and nagging at them just for the fun of it. Making sure that they can talk to me about their problems. Just in general making sure that they are doing okay in life. So to see them progressing well, moving forward in life towards happiness, brings a certain kind of warmth to my cold dead heart. Even though I'm no longer that close to half of them, it feels weird that I really do wish them with all the happiness in the world with their partners, from the bottom of my black heart.

It feels good knowing that they are okay, they gonna to be okay, they will be okay.

Syukur Alhamdulillah. ❤

More responsibilities

I guess it's a good thing. It started out as something that is quite straightforward but I can see that my job responsibilities are getting more and in terms of the direction of my job, it is going somewhere.

I started out as an Officer, Finance and Administration - handling pretty much 80% of my department's finance and administrative paper work. Those important things that are beyond my pay grade are all being handled by my manager. It was simple enough, liaising a lot with the Finance and Procurement Department, and a few of our monuments' stakeholders.

Then I got promoted to Senior Officer - got my asking pay, plus all the benefits.

Subsequently, I became involved in programming under my 'Research, Education and Programming' subdivision while I was still a contract staff. With COVID-19 happening all around the world, I became more involved in the digital aspect of our programming which was considered brand new for our department, as we do not have an online presence prior to this.

I got appointed as the Business Continuity Management representative - which is basically me sitting in for weekly meetings to get updates about the entire COVID-19 situation and all the protocols, to be disseminate to my department. Honestly, 75% of the time, it's just repeating the same points at every meeting - forcing us to know everything by the tips of our hand.

Then after my first appraisal, my director wanted me to be more involved in other things - so now I'm assisting the 'Architectural and Inspectorate' subdivision with certain projects, administratively only, since some things are meant to be secret.

As the company is planning to kick-start a company-wide digitization exercise, I have to physically sort out all our department's past files - which is around 1,000 files from 2007 till present. It's taking quite some time since I can only come back to office on Thursdays & Fridays, and some Saturdays I will drop by for a couple of hours. And it also involves liaising a lot with HQ Administrative Department, which at times confuses me.

Last Friday, within a couple of hours - I got assigned as the KPI representative and Data Domain Steward of my department. And I have no idea what does both roles demand out of me? I guess we shall wait and see.

I can feel myself being slightly stretched out but not to the point of me getting worried or stressed out about my work. And that's a good thing. 

Alhamdulillah for the opportunities given for me to grow.

In Shaa' Allah, I can do well.

Depression

So my life has been very peaceful. It just revolves around me, my art, my work and my Netflix, Disney+ and Viu. I could focus on things that are good for my mental health. Just taking a day at a time, getting into a rhythm that was easy for me to manage.

Well, everything is a mess now. 

Not my life though, but my friends' lives.

One of my friends is getting a divorce. Her husband asked for it. She is suffering from depression.

One of my friends is contemplating on getting a divorce. She feels that there's nothing between her and her husband. She is suffering from depression.

One of my friends is still grieving the lost of her father even after a year. I can see that she is still stuck in the situation, unsure of how to get out of it. She is suffering from depression.

3 of my friends are suffering from depression. They are asking for help and they are getting help. It breaks my heart to know that the only thing I can do is just to be a listening ear to them. 

In Shaa' Allah, they will get better.

Overspent

I honestly spent too much on myself for my 34th birthday. I think the feeling of not being able to travel overseas, forces me to spent all that money that I saved up for my trip onto something else. Just to get that satisfaction of being able to spend money.

• iPad Air + Magic Keyboard + Apple Pencil + AppleCare - $1,496
• 3 days 2 nights at The Ritz-Carlton, Millenia Singapore - $1,620
• Louis Vuitton Men's Brazza Wallet - $1,160

That's a total of $4,249 which is almost the same amount of money I spent for my 9 days 8 nights in Paris. I can no longer afford to splurge on myself this year. I need to at least save a minimum of $12,000 by my 35th birthday. I can do this.

In Shaa' Allah, I will achieve this.

2021

Daily prayers.

1. May Allah SWT forgive my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my sins.
2. May Allah SWT accept my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my good deeds.
3. May Allah SWT protect my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself from hellfire.
4. May Allah SWT protect my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself from any misfortune in this world.
5. May Allah SWT guide my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself to the right path.
6. May Allah SWT bring my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself to HIS Paradise.
7. May Allah SWT strengthen my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my faith in HIM.
8. May Allah SWT bless my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself with abundance wealth & blessings.
9. May Allah SWT keep my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself in good health always.
10. May Allah SWT bless my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my hearts & minds to be in good conscience always.
11. May Allah SWT allow my parents to achieve their dream of performing the Haj while they are still healthy & have the money to do it.
12. May Allah SWT bless my brother-in-law & sister's business with success.
13. May Allah SWT bless my youngest brother to constantly perform well for all his examinations in NUS.
14. May Allah SWT bless my dad with a comfortable job, now that he has retired from SCDF.
15. May Allah SWT give me the strength to love & succeed in my current job.
16. May Allah SWT allow me to save up $30,000 as soon as possible for my new house.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.