Pictures of 2011

January

KL trip with Kak Idah, Kak Budd and Nadia. ♥

Alif's Surprise Birthday Party. ♥

Theme: Black & White Affair

March

Yantao's Birthday Party with S-Crew & the Dolls. ♥

Theme: Pink

May

Taurus Babies Birthday Chalet. ♥

Theme: Fairytales

All White Affair. ♥

July

Pinkdot.sg 2011 ♥

Theme: Anything Pink.

Khairul's Birthday Party. ♥

Theme: Black Tops

August

Dolls' Iftar 2011. ♥

Theme: Shades of Purple

September

Dolls' Raya 2011. ♥

Nisa's Surprise Mini-Celebration. ♥

Theme: Moustache

September Babies Birthday Dinner. ♥

Theme: Black & White 

October

MisMatch Night at Butter Factory. ♥

Theme: Glasses

NAFA Fun Day 2011. ♥

Najib's Surprise Party. ♥

Theme: Rockstar

Dolls being Rockstars. ♥

December

NAFA Chalet. ♥

My Surprise Party. ♥ ♥ ♥

A lot of really good memories. ♥

2011

2011. It has been one of the best years ever.

I couldn't have been more happy how everything in life turns out to be good. Started off the year with working for a company that I actually enjoyed. As much as there were politics involved, working with fun and cheerful people was really worth it. Having colleagues that you can go out for drinks, having a boss that is very understanding and having a few really good-looking higher management staffs. I was actually loving the job and I worked there close to a year. The location was good, the people working in the nearby buildings are surprisingly cute and good looking. That was where I got to know Aron.

Truth be told, I'm still pretty much in love with Aron and at times I wished that I am in a relationship with him. With his busy schedules and constantly travelling overseas, I don' think I could cope with that. I got to know him in February and we have only went out on 3 dates and hang out once. If he was in town, he would text me but my school schedules and his work schedules always clashes. I really do miss him a lot. I guess if our schedules were different, things would have work out differently for us.

After 4 years of drama, I finally managed to study in NAFA with the course of my choosing, Diploma In Arts Management, Performing Arts. Up till today, I am forever grateful and thankful to Allah SWT for letting me going through this path. As much as it's tough, it really made me mentally prepared to go through school. I make a promised to myself to not disappoint my parents in my studies anymore. I will work my brains off until I get a scholarship to pursue a Degree. I have no intention of letting anything getting in my way at all. I'm dead serious about it.

Honestly, I'm at the stage where I couldn't be more thankful that my parents are very supportive of my dreams right now. My second sister is getting engaged next year. I'm truly happy for her and wish her all the best. She truly has been more of like a big sister for me and I couldn't thank her enough. My younger brother is completing his diploma soon and going NS. Hope everything would work out just fine for him. My youngest sister broke up with her pathetic loser ex-boyfriend, at last. All our cousins and my siblings couldn't have been more than happy for her. My only concern is that I just wished that she knows what she is doing with her life. My baby brother is getting more and more pampered and spoilt but at least he is producing the results, in terms of his studies. My cousins are doing very well. One of them got selected to be an SIA Air-Steward, another just started her job at ICA while another is coping well in NUS. Another one is getting married next year while another is having a baby next year as well. I truly hope that everything would go smoothly for each and everyone of my relatives.

My Dolls. A whole load of dramas for us. A lot of ups and downs moments. My relationships with each and everyone of them have been like a roller-coaster ride. 
Rasta Doll, no matter what this idiot do, I'm always happy for him and I'm truly love him loads. 
Preppy Doll, I'm loving her more and more as time passes by and I really wish that she will get a job that she loves and a guy that would love her flaws and all. It's time that she deserved a guy that would treat her right. 
Fabulous Doll, one of the most lovable and naive person that I've ever known. Seeing him grow up to become an adult who is working his butt off to take care of his parents and taking care of his health, truly make me super proud of him. 
Seraphic Doll, still as crazy as ever and half the time she freaks me out with her thoughts alone but you got to love this girl for her sense of originality and determination. I have always admire her for her perspective towards life and her intelligence. 
Euphoric Doll, another determine girl who seems to be unable to do any wrong towards me. I love her loads and truly hope that she succeeds in her studies and career. 
Beng Doll, I know him as a true typical malay guy and to see him transform into a responsible adult and dealing with life. As the going gets tough, he gets even tougher.
Rascal Doll, I know he had one tough year, I am happy that he managed to pull through and work things out in school and with his family. Hopefully everything would get better for him.
Doodle Doll, I'm truly proud of what he had accomplish this past year. Getting a job at Sephora and being in a loving relationship with Abang. Everything is working out fine for him.
Porcelain Doll, I'm envious of him. Loving family, ideal job, travelling around the world. Now all that is left is a perfect boyfriend to love him. I really hope that next year he would find one.
Skinny-Lanky Doll, Nothing much to say. Just don't call me when you are having a stupid fight with your girlfriend. I'm not Aunt Agony, I got better things to do.
Bitchy Doll, I known her for 13 years and I'm seeing everything being washed away within an instant. I truly have no idea what is the problem. It has always been your habit to built a defense mechanism whenever you have a problem with someone. Truth be told, even I know that I have never been able to break your wall. So here I am, apologizing from the bottom of my heart for not being able to understand you better and be there in your time of need. I hope you'll accept my apology.

Lastly, I have gained a lot of new friends this year and I've been so busy that I'm neglecting my old friends. For that I truly apologize to all my old friends. At the same time, I am truly thankful to have a bond with each and everyone of them. This year has really been a thankful year for me. I have so many things to be thankful for. I truly feel blessed.

Here's to 2012. Hopefully it would be a better year of laughter and joys to my family, relatives, Dolls and friends. <3

Happy 25th Birthday To Me. <3

14th October 2011

NAFA Fun Fiesta Day

4 bottles of liquor & a few cans of beer.

About 12 of us, year 1 & 2 students.

Started drinking at 3.30pm.

Got really high at 5pm.

Fucking hilarious and crazy day.

Next year, 6 bottles shared between 15 of us.

Looking forward.

Well, assignments are never ending. Nothing new.
My motivation right now is to get the scholarship.
Full waiver of tuition fees & monthly of $800 allowance.
I don't mind getting paid $800 every month just to study like a crazy psycho.

Arts Awareness (Music) - 1 Report & 1 Group Presentation
Arts Awareness (Visual Arts) - 1 Solo & 1 Group Presentation
Oral Communication - 1 Essay & 1 Solo Presentation
Fundamentals of Arts Management - 1 Report and 1 Group Presentation
Level 1 Project - 1 Report, 1 Filing & 1 Prompt Book
Computer Application for Production Design - Compile all past exercises for submission
Computer Software for Business - Word, Excel and Powerpoint assignment submission


All to be submitted by 1st - 2nd Week of November.
Exams on the 3rd Week of November.
Music is making me confused with the scales & notes.
CAPD is making me forgetting the software.
POM is squeezing the shit out of my brain.


Main priority is to get distinction for all so I can get the scholarship.
I CAN DO IT!!!


I miss my Dolls like crazy.
I'm sorry if I have not been meeting up with all of you guys.
& I miss emma like crazy. ='(

PS: loving school life...

14 Dolls ♥

12 Houses ♥ 

12 Hours ♥

4 Cars ♥

1 Bike ♥

It was perfect. ♥

I'm so blessed to be surrounded by my Dolls. ♥

Insyallah, next year it would be full force. ♥

PS: been thinking of you lately.

It’s the third week of school and it’s my first day back to work.

I guess I’m adjusting myself quite well. I got no issue so far but we’ll just wait and see first.

I know it’s weird but I still am in a state of disbelief that I am actually studying in Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts. After almost 4 years, I am finally living my dream. I am going to complete 3 years of my studies and get the Diploma in Arts Management, Performing Arts. I am hell bent on becoming a straight As’ student. The weird thing is that I love doing my assignments. I honestly never expected my love of updating my blogs was going to help me with writing long-winded essays. I’m beginning to learn how to prioritize my stuffs.

Firstly, my school assignments followed by my work then my tuition. After that would be my car practical lessons and lastly would be my social life. I think I’m killing my social life again but I honestly don’t mind. At the end of it all, I know I’m getting my diploma and making my parents and myself proud. Truthfully speaking, I’m truly happy that I've been working all these time. It really forces me to manage my time properly. All those years of planning for the dolls and sorting out other people’s lives, it’s beginning to pay off.

After running away from the fear of facing my own issues, I guess I’m beginning to learn how to deal with my own shits by myself. I’m still growing up. It’s scary but at the same time, I love it.

My classmates are really cool.
Zulaikha reminds me so much of Nurul. She’s very the sisterly type of girl.
There’s Nisa, sweet and innocent and very wide-eyed.
Amiera, the hyper-active girl as if she’s on a constant sugar rush.
Lira, she’s the type of girl in her own world at times. She’s so petite and dandy.

Sheril is like everyone’s laughing buddy. Her laughter is so contagious and freaking addictive.
Fee is the quiet girl who totally has the same interests as me, from dancing to fashion.
Nic is the feisty cool Eurasian chick.
Nadiah is quite a quiet and pretty mixed looking girl.
Yun Hao is a totally laid back kind of guy, super chill.
Azri is the typical jock, Mr. Popular. It seems as if he knows a whole lot of our schoolmates.
Lim Hui is the loud mouth but super friendly guy.
Haikal is the quiet, smiling baby of the class. He is constantly smiling for no apparent reason, a bit freaky at times.
There’s Axel, this Indonesian guy with health problems. I seriously feel as if I should keep a look out for him, just to make sure everything is alright.
The rest of them, I’m not really close.

Work is still the same old shit. First day back and there's already cattiness. Typical, coming from the spinster. I'm happy that i get to work with Zeena, Grace, Kak Lina, Koki, Syarifah & Nora. My wonderful group of crazy girls. I really need to club with Zeena, Koki & Olivier soon.

Well, last night was a blast. ♥ *smiling widely*

PS: It was weird.

♥ I love it when you greet me with a grin every time we meet up.
♥ I love it when you just stare at me pretending to be angry, then just kiss me on the lips.
♥ I love it when you squeeze my butt-cheeks in public just to irritate me.
♥ I love it when you put your fingers in between my fingers and start squeezing and kissing my hand in public.
♥ I love it when you put your arms around my waist, it makes me feel so safe.
♥ I love it when you allow me to dig your nose then squeeze both your cheeks and talk baby-talk to you and you reply back in baby-talk.
♥ I love it when you apologize even though it was my mistake and you would make up for it.
♥ I love it when you let me piggyback you because I’m too lazy to walk.
♥ I love it when we just sit in bed reading our books in silence before going to sleep.
♥ I love it when you said you would call me, instead came over to meet me.
♥ I love it when you bite my bottom lips and tell me that you love me.
♥ I love it when we are really bored then we start blasting the music and dance naked on your bed as if we went to a naked club.
♥ I love it when you scrunch up your face and act silly just to get me to kiss you on the lips in public.
♥ I love it when you start singing love songs off-pitched when you pissed me off.
♥ I love it when I looked as if I just got raped when I woke up in the morning but you still say that I’m as cute as ever.
♥ I love it when you will carry me and put me on the kitchen bar just so we could pretend that we are making out in the pub.
♥ I love it when you would always pull out the chair for me to sit, be it at your place or in public.
♥ I love it when you just nod your head even when you don’t understand what I’m trying to explain to you.
♥ I love it when you pretend that you want to whisper to me and instead you bite my ear.
♥ I love it when you let me hug you for so long and you hug me back tightly and kiss my hair.
♥ I love it when you let me sit in between your legs and we cuddled up while watching a movie at your place.
♥ I love it when you mumble nonsense and stick out your tongue and try to lick my nose.
♥ I love it when you show your affections towards me in public and you’re not shy about it.
♥ I love it when you put your chin on my head just to show off that you are really taller than me.
♥ I love it when we just sit and talk about the politics, arts, world news, entertainment and anything random.
♥ I love it when you try to wake me up by always giving me a kiss on my lips first.
♥ I love it when we try to cook together and I’ll be the one burning the food.
♥ I love it when we go clubbing, you really take care of me to make sure that I don’t get totally wasted.
♥ I love it when you surprise me with a bubble bath.
♥ I love it when you called me “chérie” in your thick accent.

PS: thank you for making me feel stupid.

I know what is wrong with me.

I need to feel the need to be needed by my friends.

There lies the problem.

I’ve realized that growing up, I have a tendency to be a busybody with no hesitation. I literally feel the need to know everything and anything about anyone and anything. It was what motivates me to go to school. Pretending that I really care about people, just so that they would pour their hearts out to me. Letting them cry on my shoulders, comforting them, being there for them in their time of needs. Just knowing, listening and trying to fix their problems makes me happy in some weird way. As if I wanted to pretend that my life is so desperately perfect and the subconscious knowledge that other people’s lives do suck. I really do know a whole load of secrets and I can honestly say that only a selected few know my secrets.

I realized that I only tell people what I want them to know. Nothing more, nothing less. Whenever I accidentally blurt out certain things, it’s because I really want them to know. I just acted as if it was pure accidental. I always like to say that I am an open book but I came to the conclusion that I’m not an open book at all. I’m more of a laptop with tons of encryption that I, myself could barely decrypt. I am very guarded about everything that I do that I always plan what to say, what to do, how to react and all that jazz. Honestly speaking, what the fuck is really going on in my brain to think of all this facade?

Truth be told, I caused this state of depression/paranoia & delusions upon myself.




I made the decision not to be the so-called "mother" of the Dolls anymore. I made the decision not to be a busybody in their life anymore. I made the decision to trust them to know what they are doing with their life. I made the decision that they are old enough to know what exactly they are doing. I made the decision to wash my hands of their problems. It was all my own doings.

It has fucked up repercussions.

Q – I literally have no clue what exactly is going on with her. Every time that I checked her tweets, it always seems that it’s either she’s sleeping over at Syima’s place or outside and going back the next day. I’m not even sure about how her job search is going on. Just wish her the best of luck.

Nazron – He would always update me on a weekly basis and I still know a whole load of shits about him that I can used to blackmail him if I want to.

Azieera – She’s the only person that every time I meet up with, I just need to hear her laughter. She’s like my stupid crazy laughing girl that I have no clue what’s going on with her personal life.

Syima – She is the exact psychotic girl version of me. I don’t know what is she doing but one thing I do know is that it terms of craziness as in not funny, hilarious crazy but more of a deadly crazy, she’s on par with me.

Khairul – I don’t even know how is he doing at all. All I know is that he has become a full-blown gay boy and he doesn’t need my help anymore. I’m not sure if I should be proud of it or…

Netty – I don’t really know how is she doing in terms of her working life but I do know that she is coping well with her school life and with Randy.

Randy – I know that he is trying his best to be as responsible as possible and at times, I don’t respect him at all but at times, I honestly respect him for respecting me. His actions is very subtle but the meaning behind it, really means a lot to me.

Ayiz, Alif, Fairul & Zarrin – I have no clue at all.

Azman – I’m at the stage of shutting down and can’t be bothered anymore.

So literally, from somebody who knows all their shits and constantly trying to fix them and gets emotional about it. I’m someone who don’t even know what is going on with their life. I’m only there for the happy times since I was the one who asked for it. I guess my new year resolution is partially becoming true.

I’m no longer trying to fix them anymore. I’m trying to fix me and so far, it’s not really working that well.

PS: congrats, i guess...

So Aron is back in Singapore since Monday night.

We have been having breakfast, lunch and dinner

His flying off to Bristol, England, this Friday night.

So where does that leave me?

I'm already at the stage of paranoia/depression.

Everything seems to tick me off.

Family, friends & colleagues.

He makes me smile when we're together.

When he's gone, everything seems lost.

I don't want to feel anymore. I've been crying almost every night for the past two weeks. Something is not right with me and I don't know what it is. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm lost. Everything is just not right.

PS: don't ask, won't tell...

See that fake smile below.




That's how it is going to be every time I am around you and that girlfriend of yours.


Let me just clarify certain things first.
a) I don't like your girlfriend.
b) I have no intention on being friends with your girlfriend.
c) I will only be fake friends with your girlfriend out of respect for you.

Don't get me wrong, I got no major issues with your girlfriend. It just so happen that your girlfriend accidentally step on the wrong foot. Even though she apologize for stepping on my foot, I'm just very cautious towards her attitude. Ever heard the saying "A leopard never changes its spots". I'm strictly sticking to that saying. I'm not even going to be bothered giving her a second chance at all.

As a friend, I'm just going to respect your decision to be with her. I'm not going to be supportive nor would I be the one to mind-fuck you into breaking up with her. I'm just going to be neutral about it. I'm just going to PRETEND to like her for your sake. You are old enough to know what's good for you.

To be on the safe side, if you are bringing that girlfriend of yours along, why don't you just count me out. I'm just making things easier for you. I'm not asking you to pick sides. I'm asking you to pick your girlfriend over me. I'm used to my friends ditching me for their so-called love ones and when things don't work out, they'll come running back.

Like I said, I'm just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not your best friend. I'm not your close friend. I'm just someone that you hang around with.

Let me just apologize to you. I'm sorry that I'm not able to like that girlfriend of yours. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I'm sorry that things had to be this way. I'm sorry for being a pain in your butt.

I'm just being honest. I hope we are cool.

PS: no longer the same...

For every beginning, there's always an end.

It's just that, you'll never know when the end would come. It could be an hour from now, a year from now or maybe in ten years' time. The last time, I was at a funeral, was for my late paternal grandfather. That was more than ten years ago. I could barely remember what really happened.

Now that I'm older, I experienced the true meaning of losing your own flesh and blood. I experienced the loss of a woman that was the pillar of my mom's family.

A woman that never once did complained.
She, alone, takes care of 9 children.
She, alone, experienced the pain of losing her firstborn daughter at childbirth.
She, alone, saw her father, married twice, after her birthmom.
She, alone, saw her sons, going in and out of prison.
She, alone, experienced her daughter-in-law, kicking her out of her eldest son's house.
She, alone, saw one of her sons, going senile in front of her.
She, alone, saw one of her sons, taking drugs in front of her.
She, alone, saw one of her sons, steal from her.
She, alone, saw her sisters, battling cancer.
She, alone, experienced the pain of battling breast cancer.
She, alone, saw the love of her life, her own husband, going senile and deaf in front of her own two eyes.
She, alone, handled all her problems.

She refused to be a burden to any of her children or grandchildren, until her dying breath. Even when she could barely talk, she insisted to stay by her husband's side. Refusing to even stay at my house. Insisting that if we were to take care of her, who would take care of him.



I'm grateful that she was surrounded by people that truly love her, the moment that GOD decided for her to come back to HIM. Honestly speaking, the day that she passed away, it rained heavily and after that, out came the rainbow. A true blessing in disguise. I'm so thankful for everything that she has done to my mom and my mom's siblings. My grandmother was an excellent wife, mother, grandmother and above all else, she was a real women.

PS: Al-fateha to my arwah nenek. ♥

I had a surprisingly nice dream last night. It was almost perfect.

It was different. It was as if I was living in a romance novel with a twist.

It started out with you knowing it was my last day of work. As usual, I took my own sweet time to step out from the office, saying goodbyes to the colleagues. I can’t help but felt bittersweet about the whole situation. As soon as I exited the building, I saw you standing at the smoking corner with that lost puppy face of yours. It was weird seeing you there considering that you don’t smoke. It was even weirder to see you waving at me and walking up to me.

“Fad-ly, erm…is it cool if I was to ask for your number?”, you asked with a shrugged. The way you pronounce my name, it sounded more like ‘phat’ rather than ‘fad’.

I replied, “Whatever for?”. I was kind of slightly shocked.

“Well, it’s your last day and I was thinking if maybe we could go out for drinks or grab a bite somewhere. If you don’t want to give me your number, it’s okay. I won’t mind.”, you explained with a look of defeat in that innocent face of yours.

“So, are you asking me out now or are you trying to asked me out in the future or…?”, I left it hanging, pretending as if I’m not interested in you. Deep down, my heart was beating wildly as if I could have a heart attack anytime soon and my knees are just going wobbly from having all of your 6ft 3 inches frame standing in front of me. The musky scent of yours, that is just so masculine but with a sensitive touch, makes me even want you more.

You gave me a smile as if you know that I would say yes and answered me with an explanation, “I mean, if you’re free right now, I don’t mind, erm…actually it would be kind of cool if we could grab a bite like now. I mean, that is if you want to. I’m not forcing you or anything at all, just so you know…so yeah.”

Good God, my heart was beating so fast. Being the flirt that I am, I said, "Sure, we can go and have dinner now provided that it's your treat. We'll see how the rest of dinner goes then I'll decide if I want to give you my cellphone number."


We had dinner and before I knew it, it was being fast forward into the future where I was taking my Degree in Arts. You were fetching me from school. My friends and your friends knew about us and you didn't mind it one bit at all. You were just being yourself with me. It felt as if the whole world doesn't exist at all except the two of us with all the time in the universe. It's funny how you always love to kiss me on the forehead then kiss me on the lips in public considering that we are living in a rather conservative country. The weird thing is that my parents have meet you and they were just convinced that you are one of my closest friends.

You called me that day to have lunch with me and told me that you have a rather urgent matter to talk about. Knowing you, you are the more serious one compared to me. We had lunch at one of my favourite Italian Restaurant at Holland Village. Nothing new for you to order my meal for me, you just remembered things about me, which is one of the many reasons that I love you. While waiting for the food to come, we talked.

"Erm, baby. I was wondering if during your hols, we could go some place? Maybe Manhattan? It would be during fall but if you want to go somewhere else instead, of your choosing, I don't mind..." ended as it always does after so many years of knowing you. You always gave in to me regardless.

I was certain that there would be a catch, considering the last time we went on a trip, we ended up visiting your sister & her family in Los Angeles. After a few seconds, I asked, "B, how many days do you intend that we should go for? It's only a rather short two weeks term break for me. I won't mind if we were to go for a week and not more than that. Please?".

You broke into one of the widest smile that I have ever seen and grab hold of my left hand and slip me a simple silver band with engravings and just mouthed out, "Will you?"

I just stared. Every single insecurites that I could think off came into my mind but there I was saying yes repeatedly until you kissed me on my lips.


Fast forward, we were in Manhattan preparing to get married and never in my life, have I ever been so sure that you are my Mr. Right. The other half of my soul. There we were, with your family, my siblings and my closest dolls. I was about to become your wife/husband. It was a simple ceremony of us saying our vows and you said you will take me in, till death do us part. It was my turn.........

Well, it was after all just a dream so eventually my alarm clock had to ring and I just had to set the song to "Tore My Heart" - Oona. The irony. Just so you know, if you are the same guy in reality as you are in my dream, I would have said yes in a heartbeat with no doubts. That was how eerily convincing my dream was.

The second time that I'm dreaming of getting married to the person that doesn't even know that I exist in their life. Seriously speaking, HE got to stop screwing around with my love life and my dreams. It's becoming to pressurising for me to handle it already.

PS: a dream would always just be a dream...

I saw you.
My heart skip a beat.
My knees went weak.
My face blushed.
My brain went blank.


Surprisingly, you still
have the same effect
on me after all these
years. And I am still
pretty much in love
with you.


You were way more
perfect that I could
have ever imagined.


Now I'm crying
myself to sleep.

PS: i guess it has always been you?

Happy 2011!!!

Another year.

I'm just going to try to make the best out of everything.

Insyallah.

2010 was an emotional year for me.
Too emotional, I think...
I reflected on 2010.
It was actually quite nice.
I won't change it at all.

2011,
I'm just going to take one month at a time.
It's much more easier & manageable that way.

Year 2011 Overview for Sagittarius...

When it rains it definitely pours Sag -- and this year it's raining romance. Love hits a serious high note in 2011 after what may have easily felt like a dry spell to rival all dry spells. Just when you thought there was no choice but to embrace your path as the eternal lone gypsy, along comes an unparalleled amount of planetary activity in your romance sector to spice up your love life. In fact, that's an understatement considering the amount of amorous energy going on in your horoscope from May onwards.


With the Nodes of the Moon hitting your relationship houses, this is a very karmic and destined year, indeed. You'll have plenty of proper opportunities to figure out your true calling in life. Plus, the clarity you've so desperately been seeking about your relationships should become as clear as day over the next 12 months -- as long as you keep your eyes open to the myriad messages streaming in from every direction.

Jupiter, your lucky planetary ruler enters your work sector this June bringing some brilliant new opportunities for you to make money and build something lasting and meaningful. The more beauty in your world the better, and with Jupiter entering Taurus, you'll have more than enough aesthetic influence to keep you grounded and inspired until 2012. You haven't felt this excited about your work in about 12 years, so count your lucky blessings, Sag. All in all, 2011 is going to be a stellar experience chock full of plenty of reasons to celebrate!

PS: one step at a time...