Birthday Staycation

 3 days 2 nights at The Ritz-Carlton, Millenia Singapore.

A much needed break away from everyone for my mental health. I could feel myself getting agitated at the slightest thing and constantly suppressing my own emotions and thoughts, for the fear of exploding, which will only lead to a long-winded unnecessary confrontation that I know will send me spiraling into my endless vortex. 

It was nice to just be cooped up inside, binge-watching 'Alice' - a Korean TV drama about time-travel, and just draw 72 quick portraits to kickstart my drawing needs. Came up with a new inspiration of drawing quick portraits with patterns as the backgrounds. I need to commit myself to these drawings to distract and balance my emotions and thoughts. I need to be invested in this idea of mine and accomplish it. In Shaa' Allah, I will stick to it.

On an another note - the next time I decide to book a staycation, it has to be a minimum of 5 days 4 nights. I need more time to destress myself and feel totally at ease. Or hopefully, the world will begin to heal and I can travel overseas next year September or October.

Busy Weekends

21st Nov - Work & Younger Brother's wedding

28th Nov - Work & Dinner with NAFA friends

05th Dec - Dinner with Thai friends

12th Dec - Birthday shopping & dinner with close friends

19th Dec - Solo staycation

26th Dec - Christmas dinner with F1 friends

My weekends are busy. Surprisingly, I made the effort to make plans with different group of friends. I have no idea what I was thinking when I said yes to all these plans. And now I can feel myself getting tired just thinking about all these plans that I agreed to.

On the plus side, I'm trying to socialize more rather than being cooped in my house since I'm still working from home. Not looking forward but at the same time looking forward to catching up with all these familiar faces. I really need to sort out my state of emotions and take better care of myself.

Birthday Plan

So I just got my leave approved and I immediately booked my staycation. 

I was honestly contemplating between buying a Grand Cabas LV Tote Bag or a Staycation. Almost all of my friends said that I should buy the LV bag for future investment which I know that I will definitely use the bag for the next 5 to 10 years. But that small part of it was still hoping for someone to tell me to go for a staycation. I truly like the tote bag a lot but I wasn't 100% sure of getting it. Then I realized that I like it but I don't love it and it's not worth it to spend $3,300 on something that I do not love. 

And by the time, I decided to book a staycation at the hotel that I wanted, it was too late. The Suite Artist room that I wanted at Hotel Nuve Heritage was already reserved. Decided to go for my 2nd option, which was The Big Sky Room at Lloyd's Inn but sadly it was already taken. My next option was the Deluxe Suite Executive, Junior Suite room at JW Marriott Hotel Singapore South Beach but that was already booked as well.

Since my first 3 choices are taken up, I know I was desperate to find myself the ideal bathroom with a gorgeous bathtub. Yes, it's very important for me to have a bathtub whenever I go for a vacation. After looking through several more gorgeous hotel rooms with beautiful bathtubs, I settled for the Club Deluxe Marina room at The Ritz-Carlton, Millenia Singapore. 

A 3 days, 2 nights solo staycation to pamper myself. It will just be me, bubble baths, facial masks, massages, non-stop Netflix and drawing random things. I might consider switching off my phone for the 3 days though. We shall see how...

2011 - Pedro Messenger Bag & Shoes

2012 - 'A Song of Ice & Fire' Series, 5 books

2013 - 'The History of Middle-Earth' Series, 12 books

2014 - 'Malazan Book of the Fallen' Series, 10 books

2015 - Adele Albums, 19, 21 & 25

2016 - IKEA Bookcase

2017 - Pedro Leather Backpack

2018 - Shopping Spree, spend more than $1,300

2019 - Shopping Spree, spend more than $3,000

2020 - Staycation at Ritz-Carlton, keeping my budget to $2,000

Extreme Independence

"The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your 'I don't need anyone, I'll just do it all myself' conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who always took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you 'we're in this together' or 'I got you' then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn't really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme independence is a trust issue.

You learnt, if I don't put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won't have to be disappointed when they don't show up for me, or when they drop the ball because they will always drop the ball eventually right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don't trust anyone. And you don't trust yourself, either, to choose people. To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. 'Never again' you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it's your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. It's a trauma response. The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.

You are worthy of having true partnership.

You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of having your heart held.

You are worthy to be adored.

You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy.

You don't have to earn it.

You don't have to prove it.

You don't have to bargain for it.

You don't have to beg for it.

You are worthy. 

Simply because you exist."

- Anonymous. ❤

Tired

I'm mentally & emotionally tired.

Mentally

It gets tiring when the higher management demands more out of you without considering the constraints and limitations of the current global pandemic situation. They constantly want results & expects creative ideas to be squeeze out of your brains. And when you provide less than ideal ideas or do know meet their expectations, they automatically shut you down and say that you are giving excuses. So you end up, just accommodating to their ideas, which confuses you and when you ask for clarifications, they quickly give off a condescending vibe as if you are stupid to know understand their complicated and labour intensive ideas. You fully know that what they are demanding is a 3-men job that is being split into a 2-men job with both of us reminding each other because overlooking certain things will have repercussions. If the job is split into 3, there will be more flow, more of us assisting each other rather than having to suck up to higher management.

I honestly do not want to get involve in the office politics but seeing the way that my director's train of thoughts makes me confused. At least 60% of the time, I have no idea how is it link to the original topic of discussion. And I made the mistake of pointing it out once, which ended up with me getting completely confused. And to see it happen to my colleagues as well, made me realize that it is better not to question. It doesn't help at all that she has a sense of elitist in the way that she presents herself. There's a different between being intelligent and grounded, and showing off to people that you are intelligent and that people need to know that you are smart.

I did not expect that after getting convert into a permanent position in February, within months, I got dragged into a complicated situation where I'm just trying my best to navigate. And my sense of constantly trying to think of 'there's always something new to learn from this job' is getting jaded quickly.

---

Emotionally

I want to talk. Like just let out everything that I have bottled up. I have so much things to say, so many things to share, the good news and the bad news but every time I start, I will always get interrupted halfway through that I automatically lost the interest to even share. I want a friend that I can talk to about anything and everything, about my dark thoughts that keep me up most nights. I want a friend that I can be there for and they can be there for me as well. At the same time, I honestly don't know how to be a friend to someone. I can feel myself getting easily emotionally affected by a lot of things these past few months. I'm not sure if its because of the whole stay-at-home / work-from-home situation or something else. I just feel that I'm getting more and more desperate to distract my brain from thinking about anything.

I can feel that I'm lonely but I have no idea how to fix the situation because I feel that I will be a burden to others and at the same time, I feel that I will strongly dislike them. I get jealous seeing people going out with their friends or love ones but at the same time, I get repulse by the thought of going out with people. My tears are flowing as I typed this down. Thankfully, no one is around me now.

---

I will be okay...

Restlessness

The feeling of restlessness is beginning to creep in again. Didn't realize it but I started getting jittery all over again. Like I finished reading one of my light novels - "Library of Heaven's Path" back around end of June. Then I got kinda of annoyed that I got nothing to distract me. So I started grabbing on to anything that can keep me busy / distract me from this jitteriness that I'm feeling.

Light novels

• Battle Through The Heavens
• Douluo Dalu
• The Book-Eating Magician
• Library of Heaven's Path
• Current Read: God Emperor
• Current Read: Sage Monarch

Korean Drama

• Cinderella & The Four Knights
• Love Alarm
• Because This Is My First Life
• Extraordinary You 
• Current Watch: Was It Love?
• Current Watch: The Tale of Nokdu

Thai Series

• The Gifted
• Blacklist
• Girl From Nowhere
• The Shipper
• Make It Right 1 & 2
• Wake Up Ladies
• Friend Zone

Chinese Shows

• Go Go Squid
• A Little Thing Called First Love
• Accidentally In Love
• Love O2O
• Unrequited Love
• A Love So Beautiful
• Current Watch: Put Your Head On My Shoulder

Working from home is so not conducive for me to be productive. I am so limited by what I can do and so easily distracted by everything. My emotions and thoughts are consistently everywhere. I need to go back to office, like every single day. I just need to work in the office because working from home is totally not working. Never did realized how undisciplined I am.

I need help.

Savings Plan

Savings Plan

	2020	2021	2022	2023
Jan		$850	$900	$900
Feb		$850	$900	$900
Mar		$850	$900	$900
Apr		$850	$900	$900
May		$850	$900	$900
Jun		$850	$900	$900
July	$850	$850	$900
Aug	$850	$850	$900
Sep	$850	$850	$900
Oct	$850	$850	$900
Nov	$850	$850	$900
Dec	$2,500	$2,500	$2,500
TOTAL	$6,750	$11,850	$12,400	$5,400

By June 2023 - $36,400

That's the goal now.

Basically my target is to have a minimum of $35K before I buy a house. Need it for renovation and miscellaneous payment for my house. I have no intention of shifting house in the long run. I'm going to find a nice 3-bedroom HDB property that I can renovate into my dream home and just stay there till I die. Once I have $35K, I will start looking for a house immediately.

In Shaa' Allah, I will achieve this goal. 

Scared

I accidentally got sucked into the vortex of Thai BL shows.

It's affecting my sleep. I would usually be in bed by midnight. Now, I would be going to bed after 2 or 3 in the morning. My worst timing is going to bed at 6 in the morning after morning prayers, then getting up at 8.30am to start work. I am working from home, so usually I would wake up around 8.20am. The fuck up part is that even though I have 2 - 3 hours of sleep the night before, I would still sleep around 2 or 3 the following day. I am fucking myself up big time.

Anyway, in a span a month, since 1st June was when I discovered my first Thai BL show, I have only watched more & more, and there's more Thai BL shows to watch!

1. 2gether
2. TharnType
3. Theory Of Love
4. Love By Chance
5. Why R U?
6. Until We Meet Again
7. SOTUS
8. SOTUS S
9. Kiss Me Again
10. Kiss
11. Dark Blue Kiss
12. Together With Me
13. Bad Romance
14. Together With Me: The Next Chapter
15. 2 Moons
16. My Engineer
17. Great Men Academy
18. Water Boyy
19. He's Coming To Me

Luckily, all of them end with happy endings. Because if not, I think I might have a mental breakdown. Along the way I kind of felt like watching a Thai BL movie instead, since I wanted something that didn't last for several hours. I ended up watching 3 Thai BL movies.

1. Love of Siam
2. Bangkok Love Story
3. My Bromance

And for the first time in my life, I actually hyperventilate & I felt a sharp pain in my chest, and I cried, like really badly. I'm not sure if I'm crying because of the movies or because of something else. I just feel empty. Watched all 3 of them more than a week ago, & I can still feel my heart beat faster whenever I think about the movie. Thus the reason for me watching BL series with happy ending. My heart is still aching for the past 1 week, not sure why.

I'm scared.

Genuinely scared.

Too many TV shows.

Circuit Breaker started on 07th April, Tuesday and ended on 08th June, Monday

I started working from home since 06th April, Monday.
I am still working from home until further notice.

During this period, I have binge-watched 15 Korean shows & 6 Thai BL shows.

Korean shows

1. Voice 1
2. Voice 2
3. Voice 3
4. Crash Landing On You
5. Stranger
6. Chief of Staff
7. Tell Me What You Saw
8. He is Psychometric
9. Memorist
10. The Lies Within
11. Confession Couple
12. Rugal
13. 365: Repeat The Year
14. Leverage
15. Hospital Playlist

And now I'm starting on my 16th Korean Show - The King: Eternal Monarch.

Thai BL shows

1. 2gether
2. TharnType
3. Theory of Love
4. Love By Chance
5. Why R U?
6. Until We Meet Again.

And I'm also starting on my 7th Thai BL Show as well - SOTUS.

On top of keeping up with the weekly episodes of Billions, Killing Eve & Masterchef Australia.

I need help.

New Goals?

I realized that in order for me to stay focus and keep my sanity at an acceptable level is for me to have a goal and focusing on it, on a yearly basis.

2014 - Graduate with a diploma

2015 - Graduate with a degree

2016 - Finding a job

2017 - Finish paying up my student loan

2018 - Solo trip to Paris, France

2019 - Solo trip to London, United Kingdom

2020 - Solo trip to Rome, Italy

2021 - Certificate in Graphic Communications

2022 - $20,000 for home renovations

But from the looks of it, I am not going to Rome at all since the COVID-19 situation is such a mess. So now, I need to replace my trip with something. I want to go on a staycation but at the same time, I'm asking myself if it's worth it to spend $2,500 for a solo one-week staycation.

I feel as if I should not have a goal for this year but instead just focus on the next 2 years. 

I am planning to get a double certification in Graphic Communications (Layout & Type) and (Digital Graphics & Principles), and that will set me back by $2,000 - $2,500. 

So now, I'm torn between spending that money on a staycation or on furthering my studies.

In Shaa' Allah, I will decide on either...

Working from home

So I will be working from home till 01st June.
That's another 37 more days to go.

I can feel myself getting agitated and annoyed.

My job requires me to be in the office.
My job expects me to manage my department.
My job demands me to do physical labour.

I can foresee the amount of backlog that I will be having once we are allow to return to office.
I'm not looking forward to the workload but I desperately want to return back to office.

Let's hope that they won't extend the Circuit Breaker.

In Shaa' Allah, everything will be fine.

Braces soon?

So from the looks of it, I'm not going anywhere this year at all.
Most probably, I might do a 5 days, 4 nights staycation.
Not sure when though since my work schedule is quite restrictive.
Not sure whether I'll booked an Airbnb or a hotel.

But what I do know since I'm not using my money for my solo trip,
I'll be using it to get myself a set of braces.
Been wanting to get braces since I was 16.
Now I just need to consult the dentist.

A tad excited to start wearing braces.

Thankful

For the past 2 years, I've been working for National Heritage Board.

I was hired to work for NHB by an external agency.

Contracted for 2 years.

I was lucky enough to get converted to perm staff or that's what I thought.

Found out that I am contracted directly under NHB now.

Contracted for another 2 years.

I got a promotion.

I got the pay that I asked for.

I got the benefits - the 3 bonuses, KPI, 13th & Government.

I'm thankful.

To top it off, I got my pay on the 7th from the agency.

And I also got my full February pay on the 12th from NHB.

So I pampered myself again.

• Savings - $2,500
• Vote Kumar show - $89
• Thomas Sabo Ring - $239
• Apple AirPods Pro - $379

I'm thankful.

Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Traveling

I can feel my anxiety building up.

First, my cousin and her girlfriend invited me  to go on a 2-week vacation with them.

I was honestly excited at first because they were okay with me doing my own things and them doing their own things. We only need to fly and stay together but other than that, they will leave me to my own things. The idea of it was cool. The only problem is that my cousin can only go during her school holidays which is June and December. And tickets cost twice as much. I mean, we would split the cost of the apartment. That will be much cheaper than me paying it myself but if the tickets is going to cost twice, it makes no difference for me to go on holiday in September alone or December with them. So my brain is hesitating.

Second, my friends invited me to go on a vacation with them to Bali. 

I was excited. In front of them, obviously. But now the thought of it is making me nervous and anxious. The trip will be happening in July, so that's another 6 more months to go. I don't really like to go on beach holidays, traveling on boats, being in the sand and the beach just annoys me. At the same time, I'm beginning to get the sense that they are going to make a big deal out of it and invite more friends, which they did. And if it's going to be 4 days and 3 nights of partying, I know for a fact that I'm going to hate it big time. Also, I don't want to be a party pooper but from the looks of it, I am one. As the day passes by, I strongly feel the urge not to join for this trip at all. They invited me and they do have the right to invite whoever they want.

Third, my family wants to go on a vacation to Bali, at the end of the year.

Like why would I even want to do that? Since when have I ever enjoyed going on holidays with my family? I find it to be a hassle, a chore. Like the whole point of going on a vacation is to relax and have fun. But trips with my family is not fun for me at all. I just get agitated and annoyed. It's as if the whole point of the trip is to be as loud as possible and they need to move as a group at all times. And I'm the type of person that likes to wander off by myself since forever. Truth be told, going to Bali with my family, like what the fuck is there to do as a family there? Also, what's the point of a vacation where I can't smoke freely?

I can feel my anxiety building up.

So now, I'm trying to come up with ways to use up my annual leaves so that I won't have to travel with my friends, cousins and family. I honestly did not realize how much I disliked traveling overseas with anyone at all. Right now, just these thoughts make me anxious and really uncomfortable.

In Shaa Allah, I will sort out my own emotions...

2020

Daily prayers.

1. May Allah SWT forgive my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my sins.
2. May Allah SWT accept my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my good deeds.
3. May Allah SWT protect my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself from hellfire.
4. May Allah SWT protect my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself from any misfortune in this world.
5. May Allah SWT guide my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself to the right path.
6. May Allah SWT bring my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself to HIS Paradise.
7. May Allah SWT strengthen my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my faith in HIM.
8. May Allah SWT bless my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself with abundance wealth & blessings.
9. May Allah SWT keep my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & myself in good health always.
10. May Allah SWT bless my parents, my family, my friends, my fellow Islamic brothers & sisters & my hearts & minds to be in good conscience always.
11. May Allah SWT allow my parents to achieve their dream of performing the Haj while they are still healthy & have the money to do it.
12. May Allah SWT bless my brother-in-law & sister's business with success.
13. May Allah SWT bless my youngest brother to constantly perform well for all his examinations in NUS.
14. May Allah SWT give me the strength to love & succeed in my current job.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.