I just got triggered. And I don't even know why I got triggered by it. Then everything just became annoying to me. It's that unfair feeling that everyone is doing well and I am struggling. And I'm not even sure what am I struggling against or fighting for anymore that makes me feel this way.
It all started with wishing my closest friend a simple birthday wish. Truth be told, I'm honestly proud of her, seeing how far she has come in life. I have known her since she was 13 but we only became closed friends when she was 20-21. 15 years later, I've seen her through her crazy period in life, so to see where she is right now, I've couldn't be more proud of her.
What was supposed to be a simple birthday wish, accidentally spiraled me to wherever the fuck I am right now.
It just got me feeling left out and left behind. The 4 people that I subconsciously considered as my second family, and I felt like I got left behind by them through no fault of theirs. I mean that's life for atypical heterosexual people. You fall in love, you get married, you get a house, you have kids, you buy a vehicle, you get a promotion, you go on family trips, you send your kids to school - it's constant progression, there are steps to tell you that you are moving forward in life.
How about me? What is my progression? Every time I feel like I am taking a step forward, then I look around and I feel like I'm actually 2 steps behind. I don't want to compare my life to everybody since I've known since young that my progression in life will always be different. But that's the thing, whenever we are together celebrating and congratulating those accomplishments in life, I will subconsciously make small comparisons and by the end of the night, while having a shower or in bed, those small comparisons feel like they are failures. Then I start dissecting what I could have done better in everything so that I will be on par with these 4 close friends of mine.
So basically these past few days have been me desperately trying to distract myself with everything just so that I will not cry in public or in front of everyone. And I really want to ask for help but taking that first step feels like I'm a failure and a burden. I know that all of us have our own issues in life, and that is the main reason why I've been keeping quiet. And I feel like my problem is small compared to the problems that they are facing just trying to live their married lives and raising a family - with all the costs and pressures that comes along to it.
And honestly it doesn't help to have another group of friends where basically our friendships is based on me just listening to them "updating" about their relationships and careers, constantly claiming that they don't like drama but all their actions indicate that they are the ones that invite the dramas in and feign ignorance when things happened to them. Sometimes half way through listening to their conversation, I get bored and zoned out at their stories. Like I laugh when I supposed to laugh, give me opinions when I'm supposed to give my opinions even though there's no point to it. It feels like validation to the other party rather than anything else. At times, I questioned why are we still friends? Like what do they bring to my life? What do I bring to their lives? I have no idea what do I bring to any of my friends' lives. I don't even know what I bring to my own life.
Nowadays, I feel that I suck at being friends with people in general. Being friends with people sometimes gives me anxiety that there are certain expectations I need to meet up to. I really feel like I'm slowly becoming a hermit, building up walls around myself, drowning myself with all my TV shows, comic books, manga/manhwa series, fictional novels and drawing/coloring so that I don't have to think about what I'm lacking or what I'm failing in.
I know that I'm spiraling down and it sucks that I find comfort in it...
In Shaa' Allah, everything will be okay, one way or another.
