Crush

Honestly speaking, I did not expect anything to happen at all.

We have bumped into each other several times over the past decade. We exchange contact numbers and kept saying that we should meet up for lunch or dinner. We both know we said those things out of courtesy and not expect to follow through.

The first time I saw you was back when we were in ITE. Both of us were just 17 years old. I was that weird kid that nobody was sure if I was gay or was just a weird loser. You were a typical bad boy with your horrible hairdo. I had a crush on you back in ITE. Then during NS, we ended up being in the same platoon and became bunk mates. After BMT, we went our separate ways.

4 years later, I bumped into you. I just started studying in NAFA while you were doing your degree in LaSalle. We added each other up on Facebook and Instagram and exchange numbers. Then I saw you a couple more times over the next few years.

Last Tuesday, I saw you from afar and actually contemplated of avoiding you but since it was the only way for me to get to the MRT station, I just walk right ahead. Surprisingly, you stopped me to say hi. We talked for awhile, asking those typical questions of wondering how each of us are doing. We exchange numbers again and apparently, both of us still have each other's numbers. We decided to have lunch soon since we are working in the same area. We went our separate ways after that and I was smiling the whole night.

My crush for you came back in full force. I did not see that coming at all. I forgot how hilariously awkward and ridiculously good-looking you are.

Then today, you texted me at 12pm, asking to meet up for lunch. It put a huge smile on my face. I could feel my crush for you growing bigger. I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself down because I know how stupid it was. Like I know that nothing will ever happened between the 2 of us but the thought of being friends with you after so long, excites me. Honestly, I thought that it was going to be awkward to have a conversation but there was a sense of easiness to our conversations. Everything just flows.

Then you told me that you are gay. I was shocked because I did not see that coming. Then you said that you have been with your boyfriend for 3 years. I'm impressed and happy for you. Then you said that you have been living together with him for 2 years. I was jealous.

Out of all the emotions that came out, I was surprised that I was jealous of you.

Anyway, it was nice knowing that another NS buddy of mine is gay. I mean, the entire Leopard company knows that I'm gay but nobody brought it up. So I always felt like an outsider among a sea of straight men. And I don't really have that many gay friends who are not into the 'scene' - whatever the fuck does that even mean. You're just gay and you're minding your own business. That's cool. And after that, conversations flowed as normal, just 2 old friends catching up on life, about the arts scene and about my non-existence dating life. It was nice.

After you left, my mind went haywire, asking myself why did I feel jealous of you? And it dawned upon me that I wanted what you have. A stable relationship with a white man, living together, being all domesticated and having separate careers. It made me realized that I've been wanting what you have since forever. In that moment, my crush for you shrank drastically.

I want that. I want someone to call my own. I want an intelligent, charming and mature white man to call my own. I want to someone to love me. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to have stupid discussions about politics and imaginations. I want someone to listen to. I want someone to need me the way that I need them.

But everything came crashing down when I started to think of how wrong it will be when my religion comes into question.

I want to be a Muslim and I want to be gay.

I'm so confused that I broke down again. It's only February and I have broke down twice.

It gets tiring to be constantly feeling lost and confused.